My Family (TV Series)

Absent Vixen, Cheeky Monkey (2002)

Robert Lindsay: Ben Harper

Photos 

Quotes 

• Ben : Nobody likes a smart-arse.

  Michael : Nobody likes a shoplifter.

• Nick : Hello, Dad.

  Ben : Do you have to call me that?

  Nick : Who'd have thought it, eh? Our little girl flying the nest? Before you know it, Michael will be gone too. Then it'll just be the three of us. The way it was meant to be.

  Ben : What was meant to be, Nick, is that you would have got a job and moved out years ago.

• Ben : Nick, shut up.

  Nick : You always say that, but it never works.

• Susan : You're lying, aren't you?

  Ben : Well, if I say I am, you're going to stand here and argue, and if I say I'm not, you're going to stand here and argue; so, good-night. Let me know who won in the morning.

• [last lines] 

  Ben : You don't want a room. You don't need a room.

  Susan : Yes, I do. For my music.

  Ben : What, what, what music?

  Nick : [Nick brings cello to Susan]  Here you go, Maestro.

  Susan : I thought I'd take up the cello again. I need something to fill the void in my soul.

  [starts to play] 

  Ben : All right, Susan. Please, you win. I really miss Janey.

• Ben : This is not a family. It's... it's a cheese nightmare.

• Nick : Dad, now Janey's going, can I have a pay rise?

  Ben : A what?

  Nick : Well, I'll be doing the work of two kids now.

  Ben : No, Nick. You're not a kid, OK? Janey's younger than you are and she's leaving home, all right?

  Nick : She doesn't love you as much as I do.

  Ben : Go away!

• Ben : I can't win, can I? No matter what I say or do, someone comes along and spoils things.

  Janey Harper : [Walks in]  Dad?

  Ben : See what I mean?

• Susan : [Worried about Janey moving to Manchester]  That city just seems so hard, cold and pitiless.

  Ben : Believe me, she'll fit right in.

• Ben : For the first time, I see some hope for this family. Janey's in higher education, Nick's got a sensible job, Michael's voice is breaking. Yes, believe me. I can see the sun rising over the dunghill.

• Susan : Every time I walk past Janey's room, I feel an emptiness waiting to be filled.

  Ben : Yeah, I know. I know what you mean.

  Susan : Really?

  Ben : Yeah. Spare room!

• Ben : I've always wanted to take up photography.

  Susan : How can you be so heartless? I want to take up photography.

• Susan : How could you even think of taking Janey's room? Your own room is a disgrace.

  Nick : I know. That's why I want this one.

  Ben : You can't have this room. And even if you could have this room, which you can't, you can't have this room until you've tidied up your own room.

  Nick : So what you're saying is I that can never have this room.

  Ben : Right.

  Nick : What, never?

  Ben : Nope.

  Nick : Never ever ever?

  Susan , Ben : No.

  Nick : Right. Well, I'll be off. When I come back, I want you to have changed your mind.

  Susan , Ben : No.

  Nick : Never ever ever?

  Ben : Just get out!

• Ben : Oh, god!

  Nick : Good afternoon, sir. Lovely day!

  Ben : What in the name of all that's holy are you doing here?

  Nick : I work here.

  Ben : You told me you worked at Qualco.

  Nick : Course I did. Otherwise you'd have never have come here.

• Susan : You're being sarcastic now.

  Ben : I'm not.

  Susan : There you go again.

  Ben : I can't win, can I? No matter what I say or do, someone comes along and spoils things.

  Janey Harper : Dad?

  Ben : See what I mean?

  Janey Harper : Can I have £500 spending money?

  Ben : Yes, of course you can, dear!

  Janey Harper : [Runs off happy] 

  Ben : Now *that's* being sarcastic!

• Ben : What's this?

  Nick : Yellowfin tuna, 79p.

  Ben : I know what it is! What is it?

  Nick : Homework.

  Ben : What?

  Nick : I got a bit behind with the pricing, so I had to bring some home with me.

  Ben : What? It's clogging up my hobbies room!

  Nick : Ah, so it's your room now, is it?

  Ben : Yes, it's my room! It's not the fish room, it's not the tin room, it's not even Nick's Hair-Brained S... What? Did you get this from the shop?

  Nick : That's right.

  Susan : Does the manager know you've taken it?

  Nick : Hah! You kidding? He's already looking for the slightest excuse to sack me. I think he feels threatened.

  Susan : What possible reason could he have to sack you?

  Ben : Er, what? Like taking a lot of tuna and hiding it in his sister's bedroom?

  Nick : Yeah, that kind of thing!

  Ben : Nick, do you know how serious this is?

  Nick : Well, I have heard that dolphins can get caught in the nets.

  Ben : What were you going to do once you've priced it up?

  Nick : Take it back to the shop two cans at a time. It'll only take 5-10 years.