My Family (TV Series)

Death and Ben Take a Holiday (2001)

Zoë Wanamaker: Susan Harper

Quotes 

• Ben Harper : [after Susan spits out her thermometer]  It's alright. I'm just taking your temperature.

  Susan Harper : Well, next time you stick something in my mouth, I want dinner and a film first.

• Susan Harper : Come on, Ben. How would you feel if no one turned up to your funeral?

  Ben Harper : When I die, Susan, I'm not going to have a funeral. Just get a black bin liner and leave me on the kerb.

  Susan Harper : Don't be ridiculous. There are laws against fly tipping, you know?

• Ben Harper : How are you feeling?

  Susan Harper : [In bed with a cold]  I've got the chills and it's getting worse.

  Ben Harper : How much worse? Should I think about dating again?

• Susan Harper : God, I hate the flu!

  Ben Harper : Yeah, I hate it more. You get to lie around, I have to deal with the kids, play nursemaid, there's nothing in the fridge and...

  Susan Harper : [Gives Ben a stern look] 

  Ben Harper : ...of course, I feel your pain.

  Susan Harper : Come closer. I'm too weak to reach out and smack you!

• Ben Harper : Susan, er... I'm sorry, but I've got some bad news. I'm afraid Aunt Margaret has passed away.

  Susan Harper : Oh no! Not Aunt Margaret!

  Ben Harper : Yeah.

  Susan Harper : Are you OK?

  Ben Harper : No, no... Not my aunt Margaret. Your aunt Margaret.

  Susan Harper : My aunt Margaret died four years ago.

  Ben Harper : Those bloody kids can't take a message!

• Ben Harper : I didn't even like my aunt Margaret! She was a kleptomaniac, you know that? When I was a kid, she used to come to the house and take things. You know, knick-knacks, jewellery...

  Susan Harper : She probably admired your taste.

  Ben Harper : ...the cat, yeah? The cat. She took my rollerskates once.

  Susan Harper : Did you catch her at it?

  Ben Harper : No. Too fast - we lived on a hill.

• Michael Harper : Mum?

  Susan Harper : Hmm?

  Michael Harper : I brought you a bell to ring if you need anything. I also made you a sandwich.

  Susan Harper : [Waves Michael off] 

  Michael Harper : The cupboard was empty, so I improvised - just like you!

  Susan Harper : [Removes towel in horror] 

  Michael Harper : You'll be amazed how much I've learned over the years just by watching you!

  Susan Harper : Please... please go away!

  Michael Harper : We've run out of tuna, so I used smoked oysters. And chutney.

  Susan Harper : Ugh...

  Michael Harper : No, no, no! It'll build your strength! Lots of protein! See all the nice big chunks?

  Susan Harper : [Runs to the toilet to throw up]  Michael!

  Michael Harper : I'll just leave it here for later!

• Ben Harper : [On the phone]  Hello, Susan.

  Susan Harper : Hello, dear.

  Ben Harper : I wish you were here.

  Susan Harper : Oh, that's so sweet!

  Ben Harper : Having a horrible time. Horrible room - convicts have better views. And I don't really want to guess why this phone is stuck to my ear!

  Susan Harper : That's nothing! I'm drowning in my own mucus, I have a cold sore on my tongue and I've been throwing up all day!

  Ben Harper : Mmhmm? Think the romance is going out of our marriage?

  Susan Harper : Shut up! You went to the funeral intentionally to abandon me!

  Ben Harper : That's right. Well, it was pretty tricky trying to convince Aunt Margaret to snuff it before the onset of your cold...

  Susan Harper : I'm dying here!

  Ben Harper : Yeah, well, I'm in Hell, so see you soon!

• Janey Harper : I hope you're enjoying your break, mum.

  Susan Harper : [In bed with a cold]  Actually, I'm not. I'm bored and I'm starving.

  Janey Harper : But I thought Michael made you a sandwich...

  Susan Harper : Don't... don't remind me!

• Janey Harper : You know, mum, Stupid Brian said that he might have some pills which might help?

  Susan Harper : And you trust pharmaceuticals from someone whose first name is Stupid?

• Susan Harper : My whole relationship with your aunt is based on a tissue of lies and deceit!

  Ben Harper : You didn't have a relationship with my aunt.

  Susan Harper : But I might have done if she hadn't been such a thief!

• Susan Harper : [Staring at Aunt Margaret's coffin]  Look. Look what she's wearing.

  Nick : Mum, she's dead. I don't think she's going for a fashion statement.

• Susan Harper : You were right! You were right! Aunt Margaret was a kleptomaniac! You remember those Egon Marshak objet trouvé cufflinks I bought you all those years ago?

  Ben Harper : I try not to.

  Susan Harper : Uncle Bill was wearing them! He said Margaret gave them to him!

  Ben Harper : Maybe she did! You know, you're not the only person to have bought them!

  Susan Harper : One of them was missing the same zirconium stud that got lost when little Nicky swallowed it and we had to put him on the colander!

  Ben Harper : Oh, yeah... alright! I couldn't eat pasta for a year!

  Susan Harper : It was so sweet! It was like panning for gold!

• Ben Harper : What have you done?

  Susan Harper : I swear it was the medication!

  Ben Harper : [Gasps after Susan shows the bracelet she took from his Aunt Margaret's corpse]  Oh God!

  Susan Harper : I was paying my last respects and it just... leapt into my hand!

  Ben Harper : I don't care if it pole vaulted up your arse! Now put it back!

• [Last lines] 

  Ben Harper : So, what's for supper?

  Susan Harper : Pasta.

  Ben Harper : Ah, good. That sounds... safe.

  Susan Harper : Hand me the colander.

  Ben Harper : Mmhmm.

  [Both pause after they remember the incident with Nick defecating on the colander as a boy] 

  Ben Harper : Shall we order takeaway?

• Susan Harper : Look at the face of the sad little clown.