My Family (TV Series)

Farewell to Alarms (2000)

Robert Lindsay: Ben Harper

Quotes 

• Susan : [after waking Ben up]  Ben, this is serious. I heard a noise, but the alarm didn't go off.

  Ben : There's probably a very good reason for that.

  Susan : Maybe the thief knew how to bypass the system.

  Ben : Maybe it's because I turned it off.

  Susan : You turned off the alarm and jeopardized your family?

  Ben : That is correct, yes.

  Susan : Go and turn it back on.

  Ben : No. If that alarm goes off again, I'll be arrested.

  Susan : Oh Ben, I can't sleep knowing the alarm's off... neither can you.

  Ben : I'll manage.

  Susan : [pointedly]  Neither can you.

• [after yet another night of the alarm waking everyone several times, Susan is on the phone to the alarm company] 

  Susan : They say it's there for our protection.

  Ben : Protection from what? I've almost broken my bloody neck on the staircase, I've got a son who's deaf, I've got a son in a coma, and a daughter as ugly as sin.

• Ben : Susan! Who wears the trousers in this family?

  Susan : You do. Only I get to choose which ones you wear.

• Brigitte : Hello, Mrs Harper.

  Ben : Oh my God, she knows where I live.

  Susan : Hello.

  Brigitte : I don't mean to disturb your evening, but I wanted to give you these large blue stones.

  Susan : Oh, but we haven't got you anything.

  Brigitte : They're Tibetan cleansing stones, part of the Feng Shui ritual.

  Susan : Is there something special I should do with these?

  Ben : Hit her with them.

  Brigitte : Your husband, I'm afraid to tell you, is like a toxic river.

  Susan : Yes, I get a lot of that.

  Brigitte : It needs to be dammed up; placing these rocks outside the door might block the negative flow.

  Susan : Do you think two stones is going to be enough? We may need an entire wall.

  Brigitte : I know. I've got more in the van, shall I go and get them?

  Susan : Oh, we couldn't possibly.

  Brigitte : Don't worry, I bought in bulk.

• Brigitte McKay : Someone has stolen my van!

  Susan : Oh, that's awful.

  Ben : Oh no, I... Are you sure?

  Brigitte McKay : You don't just misplace a 1974 psychedelic lime green van with a portrait of Bob the Builder on the front.

  Ben : Although God knows you must try.

• Brigitte : Feng Shui is the Chinese practice of creating a positive energy flow.

  Ben : Erm, I don't want my energy to flow. I prefer it to remain static. Where's my stool?

  Brigitte : That had to go. It was oozing negativity.

  Ben : Brigitte, erm, in case you hadn't noticed, this isn't China. This is England. And in England, we like routine. We don't like change. So change everything back and leave my chi alone. Do you know what my two favourite words are in the English language? Status quo - if nothing happens, then nothing can go wrong. Why is this chair facing the other way round?

  Brigitte : If the patient's feet face the door, it means death.

• Ben : How was your day?

  Susan : Fine. Until a man in my tour group had his pocket picked in the Houses of Parliament.

  Ben : That'll teach you to take them to high crime areas!

• Nick Harper : I want to borrow some money.

  Ben : No.

  Nick Harper : Don't you want to know why?

  Ben : I assume it's because you haven't got a job.

  Nick Harper : I want to buy a car.

  Ben : Ye-... er, no.

  Nick Harper : Every time I ask to borrow money, you say no.

  Ben : You're beginning to see the pattern. If you want money, you get a job.

  Nick Harper : But I need to buy a car to drive around to find a job. You can see the problem?

  Ben : Yeah, I'm looking right at it.

  Nick Harper : So, is that a yeah?

  Ben : It's a, erm...

  [laughs while writing Nick a cheque] 

  Nick Harper : Ah, haha! Wicked, dad! Cheers, mate! Look, I'll pay you back when I'm about 30 or something... 70p? What's this for?

  Ben : Bus fare.

• Susan : [Doorbell rings]  Someone get that.

  Ben : You get it - you're taller!

  Nick Harper : You get it - you're older!

  Ben : I'll stop the cheque!

  Nick Harper : Yeah, I'm frightened!

  Ben : When I was a boy, 70p meant something!

  Nick Harper : Yeah! You could buy yourself out of the Dragoons!

• Susan : I remember a time when you could go out day or night without fear of what would happen to your home.

  Ben : Mmm... and then we had children.

• Nick Harper : I've worked out the perfect job!

  Janey Harper : Scarecrow.

  Michael Harper : Surfer.

  Ben : Embarrassment.

  Nick Harper : Stripper!

  Ben : I win.

• Brigitte : Good morning, Mr H.

  Ben : No, it isn't. If it was, I wouldn't be here. I'd be in an alcoholic stupor in a villa in Rome.

• Ben : [laughing]  So, we don't even need this alarm!

  Susan : [laughing]  Of course we do!

  Ben : [Slowly stops laughing]  Are we still laughing at the same joke here?

  Susan : If the joke is we're still getting an alarm, then the answer's yes.

  Ben : Yeah, but the... the thing was it wasn't stolen, so we don't need the alarm.

  Susan : But it could've been stolen.

  Ben : Yeah, I know, but the point is it wasn't.

  Susan : But the point is if it could have been.

  Ben : Alright! Fine! Fine! Alright, well, can't we just agree to disagree?

  Susan : Agreed. I disagree!

• Nick Harper : You said 'get a job'. I did. I'm a landlord.

  Ben : You're lacking one fundamental necessity for the job: you've got no land to lord.

• Susan : This is ridiculous. We're getting an alarm.

  Ben : Wouldn't it be cheaper to get rid of Nick?

• Mitch : Look, the last thing I want to do is scare you, but this place is a death-trap!

  Susan : You're not serious?

  Mitch : I am always serious, Mrs Harper!

  Ben : We have lived here for eight years! The only thing that's ever died in this house are my hopes and aspirations!

• Mitch : The thing is, you never know how these low-life yobbos are going to break into your house.

  Ben : [about Nick, who walks past]  Never mind that one. He's got a key.

• Nick Harper : I've finally found a career!

  Ben : What? Bereavement counsellor?

  Nick Harper : No. World-famous jewel thief!

  Janey Harper : Yeah, well, if you're world famous, everyone will know who you are.

  Nick Harper : Yeah? I'd get more work that way!