- Susan Harper: Good morning.
- Ben Harper: You being sarcastic?
- Susan Harper: Yep.
- Ben Harper: Good. Good morning.
- Abi Harper: You're being very loquacious today.
- Ben Harper: What?
- Abi Harper: It means you're eating a lot.
- Ben Harper: I know what it means!
- Susan Harper: Abi's got a job interview at the college library.
- Abi Harper: Yes. I'm learning the dictionary. Build up my vocabulary.
- Ben Harper: Really? You're building it on quicksand!
- Susan Harper: Look at this mess. I've got a tour to give in an hour. I'll never get to do all these dishes.
- Ben Harper: Don't worry! They'll be there when you get back!
- Ben Harper: I do my share of the cleaning!
- Susan Harper: Oh? Oh? Like what?
- Ben Harper: Last night, I told Michael to take out the rubbish!
- Michael Harper: You did not!
- Ben Harper: I shouldn't have to!
- Ben Harper: Anyone got the sport section?
- Michael Harper: I've got it, dad.
- Ben Harper: Anyone?
- Michael Harper: I said it's here. I was just checking the football results.
- Ben Harper: Football? You?
- Michael Harper: Yes, me.
- Ben Harper: Hahaha! Football?
- Michael Harper: Look, I'm after this girl at school who's really into football. Thought I could impress her if I learnt a thing or two.
- Ben Harper: Football?
- Susan Harper: A girl?
- Abi Harper: Impress?
- Ben Harper: Did you hear that, Susan? My boy has finally taken an interest in football!
- Susan Harper: Yes, I heard it. And I find it interesting that suddenly, Michael's become *your* boy!
- Ben Harper: Yes, that's right! He's mine! Not yours, mine!
- Michael Harper: Maybe we should just forget I said anything!
- Ben Harper: Oh, I've waited for this moment! I prayed for it!
- Michael Harper: I've got to go!
- Ben Harper: Did you hear that, Susan? My boy has got to go!
- Abi Harper: [Still reading the dictionary] Ben is being very 'antediluvian'. I've gone back to A.
- Susan Harper: If you want a word to describe Ben, look under C.
- Anne: Hello, erm... I'm here about the cleaning position.
- Michael Harper: [Thinks] You're hired.
- Susan Harper: Michael, I'll handle this.
- Michael Harper: Mum! Mum, please hire her! My room's filthy!
- Susan Harper: So's your mind!
- Susan Harper: You might have told me you were interviewing cleaners.
- Ben Harper: I might have. But I knew you would have said no.
- Susan Harper: If you knew I was going to say no, why did you go ahead and interview them?
- Ben Harper: Because you didn't say no!
- Abi Harper: I just got 'multifariousness'!
- Roger Bailey: Oh, I feel just like Henry Higgins! And you are my Eliza Dolittle!
- [to Martha]
- Roger Bailey: And you are Eliza's... cook friend.
- Susan Harper: And who am I?
- Roger Bailey: Well, you're Susan.
- Ben Harper: Susan, don't you think you're overreacting? If anything, Martha's doing too good a job.
- Susan Harper: Well, why didn't you marry her, then?
- Ben Harper: Because I'm married already! Oh, I get it - you're jealous of the cleaner!
- Susan Harper: Oh, don't be ridiculous! Jealous of her?
- Ben Harper: Not just a little bit?
- Susan Harper: Well, how would you feel if someone else took over the things you did for your family?
- [pause]
- Susan Harper: Bad example.
- Abi Harper: Ah, football. A strategic contest of the metatarsally propelled orb.
- Ben Harper: Abi, have you swallowed a dictionary?
- Abi Harper: No.
- Ben Harper: Would you like to?
- Librarian: So, your name is Abi Harper?
- Abi Harper: Indubitably.
- Librarian: And you are applying for a job at the university library?
- Abi Harper: Incontestably.
- Librarian: Well, er... I've been reading your job application. Most of last night, actually. And I did find it a tiny bit...
- Abi Harper: Explicatory? Superplenary? Diachronous?
- Librarian: Long.
- Abi Harper: Well, er... that's because of the multiplicity of polysyllables.
- Librarian: And, er... when we say you may use another sheet, one is usually sufficient.
- Abi Harper: Well, I like to be, erm... what's another word for hyper-punctilious?
- Librarian: I don't know. But it's bound to be in here somewhere! Miss Harper, when you applied for this position, did you bother to read the rubric at the top of the form?
- Abi Harper: What? Oh! Incontrovertibly!
- Librarian: Then you will know that you are overqualified for this position.
- Abi Harper: Really? Isn't that good for a librarian?
- Librarian: It can be. Sadly, the vacancy is for tea bar assistant.
- Abi Harper: Oh... excrement!
- Susan Harper: How did your interview go?
- Abi Harper: Bad!
- Susan Harper: I'm sorry. So you learned all those long words for nothing?
- Abi Harper: Yeah. So from now on, I'll use words with just one...
- Susan Harper: Syllable?
- Abi Harper: Yeah! Ta, Sue!
- Michael Harper: Dad, you taught me something special this week. Something that will stay with me for the rest of my life.
- Ben Harper: [sighs and smiles]
- Michael Harper: I hate football. It's primitive, dull, pathetic and cruel. And a feeble excuse for emotionally stunted middle-aged men to cry in public.
- Ben Harper: [Sheds a tear]