- Michael: You're detached; you're selfish; you suck the joy out of everything. You undermine your children's self esteem so each of us has found our own way to escape. Nick has rejected adulthood and all responsibility, Janey has moved 200 miles away and got herself pregnant, whereas I, since that route has denied me, have resorted to lowering a steel shutter on my emotions so at times I may seem cold; even cruel and insulting to my parents. The irony being that although you have caused all this, you're the only one who cannot see it. Now what did you want to say?
- Ben: I was just gonna ask if you wanted to go ice skating.
- Ben: Nick, I don't know whether you are genuinely insane or just winding me up. But I'm tired, I'm stressed and I'm fighting for one third of the duvet. I've got three things to say to you - shut up, shut up and shut up.
- Susan: A letter from Janey! I wonder why she didn't just call?
- Michael: Well, 'cause then she'd have to talk to you.
- Ben: Look, please! This is the only chance I've got to read the paper.
- Susan: She says she's got a part-time job.
- Ben: Oh.
- Susan: To supplement her student loan. Look.
- [passes the letter to Ben]
- Ben: Funny. Student loan.
- [looks at letter]
- Ben: Susan, have you seen what job this is!
- Susan: Don't worry. She says it's very artistic, and the customers aren't allowed to touch them.
- Ben: [about Kenzo] What difference does it make? He cries if I hold him. He cries if you hold him. Neither of us are getting any sleep. I still think we should... v
- Susan: No!
- Ben: It's the only solution, Susan.
- Susan: We'd just be desperate.
- Ben: These are desperate times!
- Susan: Hmm...
- Ben: Well? Agreed?
- Susan: If we must.
- Ben: Fine. Nick?
- Nick: What took you so long?
- [to Kenzo]
- Nick: Yo, dude!
- [Kenzo immediately stops crying]
- [last lines]
- Hubert: And the second prize goes to Simon Dimpton for talking his grandparents into becoming vegetarian. But the first prize, and I think you'll agree it's an outstanding coup de maître, goes to Michael Harper for getting his father to tell his mother he believed in flying saucers.
- [first lines]
- Nick: [dividing roses into two piles] One for you, and one for you. One for you, and one for you.
- Susan: Oh look; here's a postcard from Bill and Joyce. They're having a lovely time in Lowestoft. The weather's a bit changeable. Oh, you'll love this - they tried to visit the local museum, but the sign on the door said "Closed for the summer".
- [laughs]
- Ben: Who are Bill and Joyce?
- Susan: I've no idea. It's addressed to Mr. and Mrs. Preston across the road.
- Nick: [Arranging some chocolate sticks] Hey, hey! Abi, Abi, Abi! I've found the perfect present for my three girlfriends! Affordable, attractive and tasty!
- Abi Harper: I thought they were called Lisa, Karen and Monique!
- Susan: How was your day, dear?
- Ben: I'm touched that you persist in asking the question considering that, as ever, the buses are up the creek, my patients are from a David Lynch movie and the sandwich bar has run out of prawn mayonnaise!
- Susan: Never mind. I wasn't listening, anyway
- Ben: And you weren't listening, anyway.
- Ben: [after seeing Kenzo sleeping on the table] OK. What's Nick been up to now?
- Susan: Not Nick. Janey. She's left the baby with us while she goes out to dinner with some school friends.
- Ben: Oh. Why wasn't I told about this?
- Susan: It was in the letter which you didn't read. Just like you didn't read Michael's geography project.
- Ben: I have read it.
- Susan: Alright, then. What's the capital of Mali?
- Ben: Er... I will read it as soon as I've finished my Tom Clancy.
- Nick: Hey dad, can I borrow your, er, brown leather belt?
- Ben, Susan: [Holding Kenzo, who is wailing] What?
- Nick: I said can I borrow your brown leather... hold on!
- [Takes away Kenzo, who has now stopped crying]
- Nick: Dad, can I borrow your brown leather belt? It's for my date.
- Ben: [Looking astonished, with Susan] There's no way you're going out tonight, Nick!
- Nick: [On the phone] Hi, Lisa? Right, er, yeah, er, now where were we? Er... oh, yeah. I've been doing a bit of thinking. Right. Er... and I think we both need some space.
- Nick: [On the phone to his second girlfriend] So, Karen, er... I think we both need some room to breathe.
- Nick: [On the phone to his third girlfriend] Monique? Yeah, do you get the feeling we're crowding each other?
- Nick: [to Lisa] It's not you, it's me.
- Nick: [to Karen] It's not you, it's me.
- Nick: [to Monique] It's not you, it's me.
- Nick: [to Lisa] Oh, don't cry, Lisa! We can still be friends.
- Nick: [to Karen] No, don't cry, Karen! We can still be friends.
- Nick: [to Monique] Oh, don't... Hang on, why aren't you crying? You want to dump me? Well, I like that!