- Abi Harper: Susan?
- Susan Harper: Yes?
- Abi Harper: There's just one thing I don't understand.
- Susan Harper: Just one?
- Abi Harper: Who stole Morse's red jag?
- Susan Harper: Nobody.
- Abi Harper: Oh, yeah? Then why's he driving a green Punto?
- Susan Harper: Abi, it's a commercial.
- Roger Bailey: Hellooooo!
- Ben Harper: Hellooooo... to you too!
- Roger Bailey: Ben, you seem happy. Are you feeling alright?
- Ben Harper: I'm just dandy! I'm with my favourite kind of patient: a semi-conscious one!
- Michael Harper: I like Morse DVDs. They keep mum busy. And out of my private life.
- Abi Harper: You mean with your new girlfriend?
- Michael Harper: You didn't tell mum about her, did you?
- Abi Harper: No.
- Michael Harper: Good. She's always nosing in my affairs.
- Susan Harper: Who's always nosing in your affairs?
- Michael Harper, Abi Harper: Thanks, Abi.
- Ben Harper: What a patient tells a dentist is strictly confidential. Especially if he's rich and has lousy teeth.
- Michael Harper: [On the phone to his girlfriend] Yeah? Yeah? Oh, I think you're sexy too. Oh, I think you look good in that. You got any photos?
- Ben Harper: Who is that?
- Michael Harper: [pause] It's my physics teacher.
- Ben Harper: Is that something I should be worried about?
- Michael Harper: No.
- Ben Harper: OK. Good. See you tonight.
- Ben Harper: Ah, Mikey! There you are!
- Michael Harper: It's late. Cut to the chase.
- Ben Harper: OK, it's your mum.
- Michael Harper: It's your wife!
- Ben Harper: Look, Mikey, it's 2.30am! She out there looking for more evidence! You've got to help me!
- Michael Harper: You started all this with the Morse box set.
- Ben Harper: I didn't think she'd get this obsessed! God! Next time, I'll get her a set of Emmanuelle DVDs!
- Michael Harper: You do need help!
- Ben Harper: Michael, you've got to talk to her about... girls.
- Michael Harper: What girls?
- Ben Harper: Any girls! Just girls! Just... you know... get her obsessing about your love life like a normal Susan!
- Michael Harper: Sorry, dad. I'd love to help, but she doesn't seem interested any more!
- Ben Harper: Well, make her interested! Tell her about your new girlfriend.
- Michael Harper: What? Like she's a sexy international supermodel?
- Ben Harper: Something she'd believe, OK?
- Michael Harper: Tough one.
- Ben Harper: How tough?
- Michael Harper: £50?
- Abi Harper: Susan?
- Susan Harper: Hmm?
- Abi Harper: Why is that shifty looking man digging a hole?
- Susan Harper: Because it's Alan Titchmarsh.
- Susan Harper: [Shocked after seeing Michael dating a supermodel] Ben! Michael's dating a supermodel!
- Ben Harper: Yeah, yeah... Here we go again...