- [the title "The Touch of Satan" appears]
- Mike Nelson: The touch of Satan... softens your hands while you do the dishes.
- Jodie Thompson: I'll bet you have nine boyfriends.
- Melissa Strickland: No.
- Jodie Thompson: Six.
- Melissa Strickland: No.
- Tom Servo: Three!
- Melissa Strickland: None.
- Tom Servo: Two! Let me change my answer!
- Jodie Thompson: You're putting me on.
- Melissa Strickland: It's just... we live on a walnut ranch.
- Tom Servo: We don't raise boyfriends.
- Jodie Thompson: Does your father mind if I skip rocks across his pond?
- Melissa Strickland: You'll have to ask him. Is that your car?
- Jodie Thompson: Yeah.
- Mike Nelson: [as Melissa] Mind if I skip rocks across it?
- Tom Servo: Hm, signed copy of the Necromonican there.
- Mike Nelson: "You guys scare me, ha ha ha. Signed, Satan."
- Melissa: [singing] Amazing Grace...
- Mike Nelson: [singing] ... and Chuuuuuck.
- Melissa: [singing] That saved a wretch...
- Tom Servo: [singing] ... like me, public domain music we didn't have to pay, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
- [a man is stabbed in the neck with a pitchfork]
- Tom Servo: When sore throat pain strikes!
- Mike Nelson: The "American Gothic" people take revenge.
- Mike Nelson: [touching music starts up] Hallmark Hall of Fame presents A Touch of Satan.
- Tom Servo: [singing along to the cute music] Come sit with me and Satan too. He's your friend and mine.
- Melissa Strickland: Would you stay here?
- Tom Servo: By this rock? And don't move?
- Jodie Thompson: What?
- Tom Servo: Stay here!
- Mike Nelson: Huh?
- Tom Servo: STAY HERE!
- Jodie Thompson: Why is it so important that I believe in this devil of yours?
- Mike Nelson: Well, I get a commission.
- [as a police car drives down the road]
- Crow: [using Barney Fife voice] Well, Andy, there was a demon in the car!
- Tom Servo: [as the shack burns to the ground] You know, if the septic tank goes up, we're *all* in trouble...
- Farmer: [upon hearing a meow] Is that you Robert?
- Mike Nelson: Robert the cat?
- Farmer: You should be in bed.
- Crow: With Andrew the dog.
- Tom Servo: [the choppy editing un-nerves the three] Maybe the editor got called out of the room a lot?
- Steffi: Almost finished storytime, then everyone goes to sleep.
- Bobo: Uh, can I come out now?
- Steffi: Shush! Bad dog! Go to sleep.
- Bobo: Okay.
- Steffi: Now where was I, Brian?
- Observer: Oh, the tall fellow was repeatedly refusing to ingest green eggs and ham, the short fellow was bizarrely insistent upon it.
- Steffi: Yes, very good. "I will not eat them in a plane. I will not eat them on a train..."
- Observer: Train, right. Why doesn't he just leave him alone? He has pointedly made his refusal to eat this dish clear. The hypothetical changing of a location is irrelevant and tedious. And that Sam I Am is so bloody repetitive I could scream!
- Steffi: Are we a little cranky, Brian?
- Observer: No, madam, I am over-tired. So I shall turn in now. So if you wouldn't mind, please... My blankie... My nookie... And my friend. Ah, thank you kindly. Good morrow to you.
- Steffi: Nighty-night.
- Bobo: Now me, I'd definitely eat them on a train...
- Steffi: Quiet! No bark!
- Bobo: ...There's no doubt they'd be perfectly delicious on a train. But a plane, I'd have to think about a plane. Maybe substitute bacon for ham sounds kinda nice. And maybe have a big...
- [Steffi rolls up a magazine]
- Bobo: Oh... Oh boy.
- Steffi: [swatting Bobo] No bark!
- Bobo: Ow! I'm not barking, I was just talking. Ow! I was commenting on the story. There was no barking involved at all!
- Steffi: No! No bark!
- Bobo: Ow! Ow! No, I'm not sure you see my point. Here, it's like this. Rather than barking, as you assumed, I was actually... Ow! C'mon! I'm talking, not...
- Steffi: No!
- Bobo: Ow! Ow!
- Steffi: No bark!
- Bobo: Ow! I'm not barking, I'm... Ow!
- Steffi: Bad dog!
- Bobo: I'm articulating... Ow! Geez! Ow!
- Steffi: Bad dog!
- Crow: [after Jodie and Melissa have kissed and stare at one another meaningfully, as Jodie] Gah, that was really *bad*.
- Bobo: You bet there's something wrong! The Lawgiver went on vacation and left us with... a babysitter. Look!
- Steffi: Why won't you play with the blocks?
- Observer: I don't want to play with blocks. It's insulting! I have an infinite intellect.
- Steffi: I think you're a little crabby and you might need a time-out to think about it.
- Observer: No, I can't stand time-outs. The silence! The desolation!
- Steffi: Okay, are you going to play nice with the blocks?
- Observer: Allright, Steffi. You win... this time.
- Bobo: You see, it's horrible! And she calls me Fluffykins and treats me like an animal.
- Steffi: Hey, did you chew this?
- Bobo: Um... yes.
- Steffi: No! No chew! No. God, man... There's hair everywhere!
- Bobo: Please don't treat me like this. I'm a distinguished professor of anthropology from a future where apes evolved from men.
- Steffi: No chew! Go lie down!
- Bobo: Oh, Ok.