- Abby Sciuto: It's kinda fun. It reminds me of Bill Nye.
- Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Who?
- Abby Sciuto: Bill Nye, the Science Guy. Wacky scientist with a kid's show?
- Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Oh, it's like Mr. Wizard.
- Abby Sciuto: Who?
- Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Never mind.
- Special Agent Timothy McGee: I could not imagine a worse way to go.
- Abby Sciuto: I could.
- Special Agent Timothy McGee: She planted herself on a barbed wire fence. What could possibly be worse?
- Abby Sciuto: My top three are: falling in a wood chipper, drowning in lava, and being eaten by a shark.
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: My dad cut me off when I was twelve. I had to earn all my dates the old-fashioned way.
- Officer Ziva David: Begging?
- Special Agent Timothy McGee: The camera must've added about ten pounds to me.
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Actually, that was your refrigerator, Probie.
- Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Accidental overdose, Duck?
- Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I doubt it. She had enough PCP in her system to kill a small water buffalo.
- Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Water buffalo?
- Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I tire of saying "small horse."
- Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Hey, Abs, got some good news for you. i just talked to the director and your new assistant starts Monday.
- Abby Sciuto: No, Gibbs! No. I can't go through that again. That-
- [realizes Gibbs is joking]
- Abby Sciuto: That is so not funny!
- Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No?
- Abby Sciuto: No.
- Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: It was to me, kind of.
- Special Agent Timothy McGee: [handing one of the models his business card] If you remember anything else that might help, please give us a call.
- Officer Ziva David: It's called a business card. Maybe you can have one of the marines to read it for you.
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I don't know what to say. Abby, these...
- Abby Sciuto: Just say that you don't hate me.
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I could never hate you. I don't think anyone could hate you.
- Abby Sciuto: Oh, you don't know Billy Bob.
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You gave him black roses?
- Abby Sciuto: No. I gave him two black eyes. He tried to run me over with a Harley Fat Boy when I was sleeping in the living room.
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: A guy rode a motorcycle through your living room?
- Abby Sciuto: Yeah. No. Well it was his living room. My Harley. Billy Bob had, um, intimacy issues.
- Special Agent Timothy McGee: I think I have something, Boss.
- [pause]
- Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Are you waiting for me to guess, Elflord?
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Supermodels date guys who look like George Clooney, or have George Clooney's bank account, or of course the actual George Clooney.
- Officer Ziva David: [referring to one of the supermodels] You really find her attractive?
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Oh yeah.
- Officer Ziva David: Well I want to shoot her.
- Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: McGee, photos. Ziva, interview the rest of the models. DiNozzo...
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Boss, I'm pretty familiar with the show. Maybe I should interview them.
- Officer Ziva David: That would work for me. I hate models.
- Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: That so? McGee, help Ziva. Interview them.
- [shoves the camera into Tony's chest]
- Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Any other suggestions DiNozzo?
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No, I think I got it.
- Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Good.
- Abby Sciuto: [holding a vase of black roses] They're for you.
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: They're really black. Really, really black.
- Abby Sciuto: It's pretty cool, huh?
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah.
- [reads the card]
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Get well soon?
- Abby Sciuto: They didn't have a card that said "Sorry I almost sent you to prison" at the flower shop.
- Officer Ziva David: You *are* aware that I've never - performed an interrogation without inflicting some sort of pain?
- Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [after a reporter has creatively edited Gibbs' words] You want me to help fix this? Then get me that reporter's number?
- NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: You're going to apologize?
- Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No. Ask her to dinner.
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [about Gibbs and the director] Anyone else think they were more than just partners back in the day?
- [realizing Gibbs walked up behind him]
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Hi, Boss. We were just talking about Cagney and Lacey.
- Hannah Bressling: Fingerprint away, sweetheart. It wasn't me.
- Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: We don't need it. They're already in your arrest record.
- Officer Ziva David: From the time you beat up your assistant with your cell phone, I believe.
- Natalie Vance: Well, it wasn't me.
- Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Nope. We've got yours too.
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah, remember that time you drove your SUV through the front of the Limelight?
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [describing "Bootcamp Babes"] Three hot, young babes learning what's really important in life.
- Officer Ziva David: Defending their country?
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No. Firing machine guns while wearing bikinis.
- Special Agent Timothy McGee: How did you track him down?
- Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Got an urgent call from the President.
- [McGee looks confused]
- Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: His Am-Ex records were in the fax machine, McGee.
- Officer Ziva David: [Talking about Director Shepard's new haircut] I see she went for the elf cut.
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's called the pixie.
- Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I think she looks great.
- [last lines]
- Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [to Tony, about the black roses] Your flowers are dead.
- Special Agent Timothy McGee: [arriving at a motel] Millions of dollars, a supermodel girlfriend, and this is where he stays?
- Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [indicates a snazzy BMW] Well, he showed up in style.
- Special Agent Timothy McGee: I think I would've rather slept in the car.
- Abby Sciuto: [handing him black roses] Don't forget to water them, or they'll die.
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I thought they already were dead.
- Abby Sciuto: Two things I know. One, I like cream filling. And two, this was her last meal. I think we're looking at death by Klowny Kake.