- Jimmy James: Fellas, I think, uh - despite what Joe says - the ship is sinking.
- Dave: Yes - that's what I've been saying all along. What finally brought you around?
- Jimmy James: Well, I think it's when Joe drowned.
- Dave: I realized that there were some things in life that you can't find in the afterlife.
- Lisa Miller: Like love?
- Dave: No, coffee. Speaking of which, do you have any?
- Lisa Miller: Love?
- Dave: No, coffee.
- Lisa Miller: No, I don't. Sorry.
- Dave: Well, then what's the point?
- [Sinks back down]
- Dave: Matthew! You're not likely to notice too many icebergs with your nose buried in that nefarious scandal sheet.
- Matthew Brock: Aw, gee whiz!
- Dave: Matthew! What have I told you about swearing on this ship? I will not have it!
- Matthew Brock: Darn.
- Dave: Matthew!
- Matthew Brock: Shucks!
- Dave: Well, I never!
- Joe Garrelli: The hull alone is held together by over 200 miles of duct tape.
- Jimmy James: I thought we were goin' with steel for the hull?
- Joe Garrelli: No - steel's not waterproof.
- Bill: Kind of a downer, huh? Especially with everyone dying, and Matthew and I eating each other, and all of that. But it's just a TV show. None of us really died. Right, gang?
- Lisa Miller: Sorry I'm late... Chambermaid couldn't get my corset laced.
- Matthew Brock: Yeah, I been there.
- Lisa Miller: You don't wear a corset, Matthew.
- Matthew Brock: I don't any more - I'll tell you that much.
- Dave: Well, sir - and this goes for everyone as well - there has been an iceberg warning. So...
- [all laugh]
- Lisa Miller: Dave - an iceberg warning? Please - get real.
- Matthew Brock: [mocking] Look at me! I'm a big ol' iceberg, and I'm a-comin' to get Dave!
- Jimmy James: I'm supposed to be havin' coffee with that Molly Brown chick from upstairs.
- Dave: Any progress there, sir?
- Jimmy James: Second base. But, uh, I hear she's involved in the suffrage movement, and I'm thinkin', uh, maybe she's a little hot to trot.
- Lisa Miller: Well, I'm making a swim for it. Which way's New York?
- Matthew Brock: There it is over there.
- Lisa Miller: Matthew, that's an iceberg!
- Dave: Look, it's only a birthday present. It just means I'm glad you didn't die partway through the year.
- Bill: [seeing Jimmy James' body floating along on a lifesaver] Hello, Jim. You're not looking too well.
- Lisa Miller: He's dead.
- Bill: Oh, well then he looks great.