- [a group of old ladies stand accused of running an unlicensed phone-sex service]
- Judge Harry T. Stone: I don't mean to offend you ladies, but are there really that many people who like to fantasize while talking to...
- Old Lady 2: A bunch of old broads?
- Judge Harry T. Stone: Okay.
- Old Lady 1: Oh, they don't know how old we are. I always use a phone persona, to heighten the fantasy.
- Old Lady 1: [mimes picking up a phone and talking in a sexy voice] "Hi, I'm Bent Barbara."
- Dan Fielding: [looking shocked] YOU'RE BENT BARBARA?
- Old Lady 2: You sound kind of familiar...
- Old Lady 1: It's VICK VASELINO.
- Dan Fielding: [Scottish accent] Uh, no lass, you must be mistaken.
- Old Lady 1: You can't fool us, Vic. Not after sharing so many personal, intimate fantasies. So...
- Old Lady 1: [pointing to Christine] You must be Christine.
- Harry Stone: They confessed their guilt, they told no lies. But oh how they could harmonize.
- [about a barbershop quartet]
- [the court has to finish its docket by midnight to save an orphanage]
- Harry T. Stone: People versus?
- Mac Robinson: Wagner.
- Harry T. Stone: Prostitution?
- Mac Robinson: Positively.
- Harry T. Stone: Prosecution?
- Dan Fielding: Pictures.
- Christine Sullivan: Objection!
- Harry T. Stone: Grounds?
- Christine Sullivan: Entrapment.
- Dan Fielding: Ridiculous.
- Harry T. Stone: Reason?
- Dan Fielding: Witnesses.
- Harry T. Stone: Overruled.
- Christine Sullivan: Darn.
- Harry T. Stone: Plea?
- Hooker: Guilty.
- Harry T. Stone: Motion?
- Christine Sullivan: Leniency?
- Harry T. Stone: Granted.
- Christine Sullivan: Fine?
- Harry T. Stone: Fifty.
- Christine Sullivan: Finished.
- Dan Fielding: Freebie?
- Hooker: Forget it!
- Christine Sullivan: [after buttoning her blouse after flashing him to help Judge Harry Stone win an arm-wrestling contest] You won't tell them, will you?
- Otis Edwards: [Tipping his cowboy hat] Ma'am, where would I begin?
- Dan Fielding: Where the hell is Harry? He's over a minute late!
- Roz Russell: What's wrong, Dan? Your date getting paid by the hour?
- Dan Fielding: No. It just so happens that the assistant D.A.'s have a pool going this month to see who gets the most convictions.
- Christine Sullivan: By total volume, or percentage?
- Dan Fielding: Raw tonnage.
- Christine Sullivan: What?
- Dan Fielding: Yeah, every defendant's weight is right here on the rap sheet. Whoever convicts the most flesh by midnight wins two thousand dollars.
- Mac Robinson: Talk about living off the fat of the land.