- Harry Stone: And what's the people's problem with Papaya Patty, Mr. Prosecutor?
- Dan Fielding: Papaya Patty was pinched for panhandling in a public park.
- Harry Stone: Pshaw! Well, Mr. Prosecutor, shall we pass along Papaya Patty's problem to Public Housing?
- Dan Fielding: Perfect, partner.
- Harry Stone: Recess!
- [bangs gavel]
- Christine Sullivan: Oh, Dad, you are such a sweet, sensitive, thoughtful person... why is it I want to rip your ears off sometime?
- Jack Sullivan: Your mother used to always ask me the same thing.
- [a group of circus geeks has been brought in for alleged lewd conduct; after hearing the facts of the case]
- Harry Stone: Mrs. Cooper, this is certainly a most serious and sobering charge...
- [motioning "one second," he ducks his head under the bench and laughs hysterically; then he re-appears, perfectly sober]
- Harry Stone: Nevertheless... I don't really see where any law has been broken.
- Christine Sullivan: My personal life is my own business.
- Dan Fielding: Here's a list of all the dates your daughter's had in the last six months. They're cross-referenced as to age, occupation, and what time they got home.
- Jack Sullivan: Good man, Fielding.
- Christine Sullivan: What is this? Why does everyone think they have a right to pry into my private affairs?
- Dan Fielding: Well, shove an ice pick up our noses for caring about you!
- Jack Sullivan: I couldn't have said it better myself, Dan.
- Dan Fielding: Jack listen. I just want to take this opportunity to wish you a glorious and joyous sojourn into retirement.
- [Salutes Jack]
- Dan Fielding: Bon voyage, cabbie.
- Jack Sullivan: Thank you, buddy. You're a wonderful, caring human being.
- [Dan takes this opportunity to hug Jack and immaturely stick his tongue out at Christine]
- Christine Sullivan: [Christine's upset that Dan's hanging out at her apartment as Jack's friend] I suspect he's been poking through my dresser drawers.
- Dan Fielding: That is an unsubstantiated assault upon my good name.
- [to Harry]
- Dan Fielding: The woman uses a bra tree.
- Harry Stone: Is it wood or that new space-age plastic?
- Christine Sullivan: Stop it! I will not have my underwear dragged through the gutter!
- Dan Fielding: Too late.
- Court Clerk MacIntosh 'Mac' Robinson: You know, I hate to disturb this stroll down mammary lane, but our defendants are guaranteed a speedy trial.
- Court Clerk MacIntosh 'Mac' Robinson: [Dan groans from beneath the bearded lady] It's Dan!
- Roz: And he's been neatly pressed! You okay, Dan? Dan? Dan!
- [Dan comes to and cries out in shock]
- Roz: Dan it's okay. It's all over, now. What happened?
- Dan Fielding: [to Roz] I was... *Shamued*!
- [a minute later, to Bull]
- Dan Fielding: It was a nightmare, Bull! I came in here to check on Jack. All of a sudden, I'm eating four hundred pounds of cellulite!
- Bull Shannon: But Dan it's over, now! Why are you so upset?
- Dan Fielding: *Because*... I liked it!
- Jack Sullivan: You know that your mother and I dated for a long time. I wanted like hell to propose to her, but I was always broke, and... well, anyway, one day we're at Coney Island. I had eight hot dogs, six candy apples, and a pound of cotton candy - I threw up three times.
- Christine Sullivan: In other words, you had a great time.
- Jack Sullivan: The best!