- Judge Harry T. Stone: All right now, we all know we're in the middle of a difficult situation but there's really no point in letting it get the better of us. The information that I have received tells me that we are only going to be here for a couple of hours, so rather than squandering that time and allowing the anxiety to build, I've decided that we're just going to go ahead with the normal proceedings of this court. Are there any questions?
- [Bum raises his hand]
- Judge Harry T. Stone: You sir.
- Man in Courtroom: What weighs more: The Chrysler building or the ancient Pyramid of Cheops?
- Judge Harry T. Stone: The Chrysler building. Any others?
- Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon: [sees Harry crying] What happened?
- Bailiff Florence Kleiner: Harry's crushed that Manilow and Torme did an album together.
- Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon: I felt the same way when Alvin and the Chipmunks broke up.
- Judge Harry T. Stone: What are you folks doing here? I thought you went back home to West Virginia.
- Bob Wheeler: Sir, we're not from West Virginia.
- Judge Harry T. Stone: You're not?
- June Wheeler: No, sir. We perjured ourselves.
- Bob Wheeler: And we lied, too.
- Judge Harry T. Stone: Why did you pick West Virginia?
- Bob Wheeler: I don't know. It was the first exotic place that popped into my head.
- Christine Sullivan: Well then, where are you from?
- June Wheeler: Isn't the accent obvious?
- Court Clerk MacIntosh 'Mac' Robinson: You mean you're from...
- Bob Wheeler: Yugoslavia.
- [Harry grins on hearing the storm named "Hurricane Mel."]
- Bailiff Florence Kleiner: The truth, Your Honor: you rooting for humanity or the storm?
- Judge Harry T. Stone: Come on, Flo, get serious! That's a devastating hurricane out there. It's got 150=mile-an-hour winds!
- [pause]
- Judge Harry T. Stone: [grins] Betcha Manilow never even had a stiff gust named after him!
- [after Christine tells Harry that Mel Torme and Barry Manilow did an album together]
- Judge Harry T. Stone: That is a desperately sick lie!
- Christine Sullivan: That... is the truth.
- Judge Harry T. Stone: Mac, say it ain't so.
- Court Clerk MacIntosh 'Mac' Robinson: It's so.
- [Harry cries on his shoulder]
- Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon: My mother used to tell me that thunder was just the sound God makes when he gets a strike in bowling.
- Bailiff Florence Kleiner: That's cute. What happened when you found out?
- Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon: When I found out what?
- [crash of thunder]
- Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon: Gosh, he's good.
- Bailiff Florence Kleiner: He's got His own ball.
- Officer Tommy: I haven't been on the force for very long. In fact a week from today it'll be...
- [checks watch]
- Officer Tommy: a week.
- Benet Collins: I don't need any help, and I don't need any pity. And I certainly don't need you.
- Dan Fielding: Fine. Listen, I'll just be over there in the corner beating myself to death with a Boy-Scout manual.
- Benet Collins: Let me know if you need any help.
- Dan Fielding: Yeah, well, I hope it's a boy and he grows up to be just like ME!