- Christine Sullivan: [as one mother's baby is born] Your Honor, look!
- Harry Stone: What is it, Miss Sullivan?
- June Wheeler: [to Bob about the judge] Good Lord, he's a virgin!
- Man: Why is the sky blue?
- Harry Stone: Because if it was green, we wouldn't know where to stop mowing.
- [Dan is assisting a woman in labor]
- Benet Collins: Try pulling a Cabbage Patch Doll through your nostrils, see what kind of sound you make!
- Dan Fielding: That's it, just let it all out.
- Benet Collins: Oh, if you don't like it, you can leave! I told you before, I don't need anyone!
- Dan Fielding: Oh fine, I'll just go get you a mirror and some salad tongs, and you can do this yourself.
- Benet Collins: [exhausted] Dan, I can't do this!
- Dan Fielding: You can!
- Benet Collins: I can't!
- Dan Fielding: [thinks a moment] Think about... Hugh Hefner.
- Benet Collins: [growls]
- Officer Tommy: It's coming!
- Dan Fielding: Lying there in his silk pajamas, with dozens of big-breasted women catering to his every whim...
- Benet Collins: [growls louder]
- Officer Tommy: I can see a piece of shoulder!
- Dan Fielding: Oh, is that...? Oh, look who's coming through the door, it's Bobby Riggs!
- Benet Collins: [screams in rage]
- Officer Tommy: It's out!
- Dan Fielding: *Yes*!
- [Benet collapses in exhaustion and relief]
- Dan Fielding: You see, my parents were... rural.
- Benet Collins: My parents were rural.
- Dan Fielding: They kept the pigs in my room. I was six before I realized they weren't related to me.
- Benet Collins: [wanting to know the sex of the baby] What is it?
- Officer Tommy: [innocently states the obvious] It's a baby. And it's naked.
- Dan Fielding: It's a boy.
- [takes another look]
- Dan Fielding: He's got a promising future.
- Harry Stone: Mac!
- Court Clerk MacIntosh 'Mac' Robinson: Yo?
- Harry Stone: Get some bandages, blankets, cotton, and string! Miss Sullivan!
- Christine Sullivan: Sir!
- Harry Stone: What the hell am I gonna do with all that stuff that Mac brings?
- Bob Wheeler: You got any children, Ms. Sullivan?
- Christine Sullivan: No.
- Bob Wheeler: Ever had a man?
- Christine Sullivan: Of course I've had a man. If I had a nickel for every man I've had... I'd have a dime.
- Harry Stone: Okay, settle down.
- [Banging gavel]
- Harry Stone: Settle down! QUIET! QUIET! QUIET!
- [Courtroom quiets down]
- Harry Stone: Now here's the situation: We have four women in active labor and we have lost all communication with the outside world. I want all non-court personnel OUT of here. Are there any questions?
- [Bum raises his hand]
- Harry Stone: Yes.
- Man: Why is the sky blue?
- Harry Stone: Because if it was green, we wouldn't know where to stop mowing.
- Harry Stone: [in the courtroom, looking up at the cross-shaped basketball net] Can we talk? As you probably know... I - I don't subscribe to any particular organized religion. But then maybe neither do you, huh? All right, I confess. I've had more than my share of spiritual doubt. But then I've see some pretty glaring examples of man's inhumanity to man come stomping through here night after night. After night. You remember that guy? Yeah. You remember everything, don't you? Well, I'm telling you, that one just about shook - shook my faith down to its foundation. And then... you drop a brand-new life right into my hands. Well, if I could just have the answer to a couple of questions. Like, if you've always been here, then where did you come from? And does man have the capacity to rid himself of his own evil? And why is the sky blue? Well, I can look that one up. But this baby stuff, boy... I'm telling you, that is not a cosmic accident. I mean, you gave us Mozart. Van Gogh. Confucius. Dr. Martin Luther King. And Larry Bird!
- [pulls a basketball out of his robe and tosses it into the net. SWISH]
- Dan Fielding: Tommy. get me some surgical gloves.
- Officer Tommy: From where?
- Dan Fielding: My briefcase, top pocket.
- [Smiles at Benet Collins]
- Dan Fielding: Great, now I can deduct them.
- Chad: [explaining to Harry why Babs is 'enraged' while she's in labor] They told us in class, under this kind of stress a woman can say totally outrageous things. Things totally alien to her character.
- Babs Townsend: I hate my Volvo! I want a *Trans Am*!
- Chad: Gee, it still doesn't prepare you for the shock, though.
- [while Bull is delivering Stanley's baby]
- Bull Shannon: Flo, quick! I need something to wrap him in!
- Florence Kleiner: Here, use this.
- Stanley: The New York Times?
- Florence Kleiner: The book says a clean newspaper is very sanitary.
- Stanley: Well... okay, but use the sports section.
- Florence Kleiner: You already bought him a mitt, didn't you?
- [Stanley sheepishly looks at a thimble-sized baseball mitt on the end of his finger]
- Bull Shannon: [delivering a baby] Look at the grin on that kid's face!
- Florence Kleiner: Bull... That ain't his face. And that ain't no grin.
- Stanley's Wife: It's a breech baby?
- Stanley: [shrieking] A breech baby?
- Florence Kleiner: Stay on your feet, Stanley, or I'll knock you cold!
- Harry Stone: [Mac brings a marriage license for Chad and Babs and needs Harry to sign it. Harry is still delivering their baby] Mac I am holding a fragile human life in my hands!
- [pause]
- Harry Stone: Put the pen in my mouth.
- [he signs it]
- Court Clerk MacIntosh 'Mac' Robinson: [reviewing the signature that should read 'Harry Stone'] Howie... Stallone?
- Stanley's Wife: Do you love her, Stanley?
- Stanley: Well, that's a stupid question. Of course I love her. She's Daddy's little girl. Hey! Let's call her Hacksaw!
- Florence Kleiner: Your Honor, I found a medical book. There's a chapter on emergency childbirth.
- Harry Stone: That's great! Make four copies of that and get them to everybody.
- Florence Kleiner: [turns away] I'll get right on it.
- Harry Stone: Flo!
- Florence Kleiner: What?
- Harry Stone: What's the first thing it says to do?
- Florence Kleiner: [reads] Uh, "keep the mother from panicking."
- [while his wife is in labor on the courtroom floor, Stanley lets out a howl of sheer panic, then his eyes roll up and he faints dead away beside her]
- Florence Kleiner: God, let's hope they're all that considerate.
- Benet Collins: Hi, everybody. I'd like for all of you to say hello to my new son, Reinhold.
- Florence Kleiner: [with everyone puzzled] Reinhold?
- Benet Collins: Uh-huh.
- Florence Kleiner: Reinhold?
- Benet Collins: Uh, were we interrupting something?
- Harry Stone: No, not at all. I was about to toast to your children. May they live long and prosper.
- All: [raising their glasses of Cherry Kool-Aid] Cheers.
- Harry Stone: Ah, and now, if you will excuse me...
- Harry Stone: [stepping out into the hallway] Reinhold?
- [grimacing in disbelief]