User Reviews

This was not a long episode of "Night Gallery, like "They're Closing Down Tim Reilly'S Bar". It was about five minutes long, but it was quite amusing in it's conclusion. I will add this - the cast given here is erroneous. No witches appeared in the episode and Agnes Moorehead was not in it at all.

Victor Buono was a very witty actor - some of his best villains have witty lines (look at his crooked banker in "Four For Texas", explaining politely but with some quietly mounting anger to two nice but poor ladies why he can't lend them money because they are so incompetent as business - ladies that he'd eventually have to foreclose on them, making him look like a louse!). This particular episode of "Night Gallery" was actually an extended joke, well performed with finicky delicacy and dignity by Buono, until the conclusion when we realize we never understood what he was really looking for.

Buono's customer has set up an appointment at a secretarial agency for possible business. He comes in with an attaché case, and is all politeness and intelligence as he asks the woman in charge of the agency who can she recommend for him. She parades her best secretary. A statuesque blond, highly gifted at stenography, typing, and well organized office directing is shown. Buono takes out a monocle and examines the young woman. He looks a bit disappointed and thanks her, and then asks if there is anyone else. The manager goes on to an attractive brunette who understands several languages, and is a whiz at Pitman shorthand, etc. Again Buono looks at the woman, with a degree of chagrin (like saying, "Is this the best you have?"). Again he thanks her, and asks the manager who else there is.

Gradually Buono's impatience mounts, and the manager's confusion mounts. Each one of these women are first rate workers - what on earth is Buono after here? After the fifth or sixth attempt, Buono just erupts. "I came here because I was told you have the best selection in the city.", he yells, "But you parade these second-rate people so proudly!" The manager starts sputtering out an outraged defense, when suddenly a rather poorly dressed drudge named "Ms Blodgett" (Cherie Franklin) comes out to empty the garbage can (she is so clumsy she spills it on the floor, and barely picks it all up - being overweight she seems to be dropping more that picking up). The manager is still talking, not noticing Buono closely watching and examining Ms Blodgett as she bends over, and as she starts doing some clumsy filing as well. She leaves after a moment.

"You were hiding the great jewel of your collection.", a triumphant Buono says. The Manager is stunned and says, "You...you liked Ms Blodgett?" "Why of course...she's exactly what I've been looking for!" says Buono. "But she's the worst secretary we have.", the Manager sputters. "She can barely file. Her typing is slow and full of errors!" Buono shakes his head and says, "I won't hear anything against her. She is exactly what I want!" The Manager pulls herself together. After all, it cures two problems: it gets rid of an incompetent employee, and it gives a difficult customer what he wants. The manager sits down at her desk and says, "Very well, where should we send her?"

In the meantime we are aware that Buono has opened his attaché case and taken some things out. "Never mind.", he says (a close-up showing he has a bib on and is holding cutlery), "I'll eat her here!"

I caught this short Night Gallery segment as part of the second show of the second season. The description on it's IMDb title page states that it was sometimes used as a replacement for 'Witches' Feast', so I guess that explains things.

No sense dragging out the obvious. This was a throwaway story that was really kind of stupid. I hate to be that derogatory, but the show wasted the talent of someone like Victor Buono in the lead role. After rejecting prospective applicants for a job he wished to be filled, it's revealed that he was really sizing up his menu options. 'Satisfaction Guaranteed' as a title was a misnomer, the story doesn't come close to fulfilling it's mission.

In this story, a prospective employer (Victor Buono) arrives to ask Mrs. Mount (Cathleen Cordell) about a suitable replacement for his last secretary since she'd left much to be desired, stating, "I am extremely particular, Mrs. Mount. Extremely particular." She assures him that she relishes the challenge and presents the customer with the first candidate, a rather attractive, intelligent blonde. He looks her over, and says to Mrs. Mount that this first candidate is too fragile, too ephemeral, and says to the candidate, "Nothing personal, but you won't do." Mrs. Mount asks him, "No?" "No," the customer whispers. Mrs. Mount presents a second candidate, then a third, each being rejected by the customer like the first one. Mrs. Mount is at a loss since this customer appears to be her first one in 25 years of business to be dissatisfied, and the motto of the employment agency that she runs is where the story's title is taken from. "You mean that there's no one else available?" the customer asks. "No," responds Mrs. Mount. At that moment, in walks Mrs. Mount's file clerk, Miss Blodgett (Cherie Franklin), a fully figured woman, hovering efficiently over the file cabinet. The customer eagerly asks Mrs. Mount, "What about her?" Mrs. Mount says, "Miss Blodgett? She knows no shorthand." "Doesn't matter," the customer responds. "Her writing is impossible to read," she says. The customer responds, "Makes no difference." "But she can't type," Mrs. Mount says. He responds, "Nobody's perfect." Mrs. Mount says, "She can't even brew a digestible cup of coffee." "She's just what I've been looking for," the customer responds. "You want her? You actually want Miss Blodgett?" Mrs. Mount asks in an astonished tone. The customer writes a check, saying as he presents it to Mrs. Mount, "I believe that the amount of this check will make further conversation unnecessary. Remember your motto: Satisfaction Guaranteed." Mrs. Mount responds in a glum tone, "Very well, sir, although I don't see why. When do you wish her to report?" The customer replies, "Oh, that won't be necessary." "Won't be necessary?" Mrs. Mount asks weakly. The customer, now wearing a bib and seated with a set of cutlery in his hands, says with a smile, "Oh, no, why bother? I can just eat her here." Once I figured out that the customer was, in fact, a cannibal, I had to laugh since Mrs. Mount didn't figure this out until the end of the story. Buono and Cordell carried the segment wonderfully with their talents and accurate comic timing. Spoiler alert: The people in charge at both NBC and Universal at the time made nervous comments to Jack Laird, Night Gallery's producer, concerning the double meaning of the story's closing line, to which he responded, "Well, you guys have really dirty minds. I never thought of that." The line stayed, and no further comments were made.

I agree with the previous reviewer that there were no witches in this title but I think there were in the rest of the program as this title barely filled the space between one commercial and the next. I always got a kick out of Buono because his style is so grandiose: King Tut on the '60's Batman show, Count Manzeppi on The Wild, Wild, West stand out the most as comic but in the film "Hush, Hush...Sweet Charlotte" after a horrible meat-cleaver murder, he said the chilling lines to a girl in a white dress covered in blood:"Charlotte, Honey...what have you done?" I can't think of any actor better for this role. He is dressed like an aristocrat, has great charm and style and from his girth does not want for food. Unfortuanately you find out at the end what his food source happens to be.......