- Danny Sanchez: [talking to Taylor whom is watching a soap opera on TV] I don't know how you women watch these things; I mean, the story lines are so preposterous.
- Norm Henderson: Oh, hey, Danny,
- [reading off a piece of paper]
- Norm Henderson: you're crack-addicted hermaphrodite client finally found her biological mother in a Spanish prison. She-she needs to reschedule.
- Max Denby: Hey, Norm, ah, you know, in order to get some respect from everybody around here, I think it would be a very good idea if I could start each morning with ah, ah compliment from you.
- Norm Henderson: All right, sir, well, ah... ah, let me think...
- [scratches his head]
- Norm Henderson: Ah, well, compared to Hitler, sir...
- Max Denby: [cuts him off, waving his hands "no"] Ah! Ah!
- Tony DiBenedetto: Ow! Hey! Look at this guy!
- [picking up Wiener Dog]
- Tony DiBenedetto: Hey, hey! How you doing there little fella? Huh? Hey
- [to Denby]
- Tony DiBenedetto: I hear you hired someone with no thumbs and three-inch legs. I'm glad we're finally hiring the disabled around here. So, ah, where is this courageous mess?
- [kissing and hugging the dog]
- Norm Henderson: Well, ah, right now you're sexually harrassing him, sir.
- Tony DiBenedetto: The dog? You dumb huckleberry! Don't tell me you hired a god!
- Max Denby: Well, I-I-I-I-I didn't know he was a dog at the time.
- Tony DiBenedetto: Oh, that's funny! I picked up on it right away!
- [sarcastically]
- Max Denby: Norm! What is your dog doing at work?
- Norm Henderson: Sir, remember when you, ah, told us to keep an eye out for Level I Clarical Assistant?
- Max Denby: Do-do, don't tell me you hired Wiener Dog.
- Norm Henderson: Well, you know, sir, technically you did when you signed this authorization form. Remember? You encouraged us to find somebody with a disability.
- Max Denby: [reads the piece of paper] Applicant has no thumbs, three-inch legs, and speaks absolutely no English. This, this, this, this is atrocious; he's fired, he's fi - get rid of him! Get rid of him now!
- Norm Henderson: Come on, sir, you can't fire Wiener Dog, there. He's a good man.
- Max Denby: Why? Watch me.
- Laurie Freeman: Well, sir, actually sir, as crazy as it sounds, you really can't fire him; if you terminate a worker with no notice, the union automatically files a grievance.
- Max Denby: I-I-I, I can't fire a dog?
- Danny Sanchez: This is great! If we hire a new drug counselor, can I get my hermit crab?
- Taylor Clayton: I have a gold fish I've been trying to get in the government for years.
- [Danny laughs]
- Max Denby: STOP! STOP all of you!
- Laurie Freeman: Well, I'm afraid it says right here, sir
- [pointing to a place in a union handbook]
- Laurie Freeman: before you fire anyone, you have to state the specific problem and then give them two weeks to improve their performance.
- Max Denby: [faces Wiener Dog] Hello, Wiener Dog, I, ah, am sorry to say that I'm unhappy with your job performance; you got two weeks to improve your typing skills and learn to talk!