- [as the telephone rings, Victor reaches behind him to answer it]
- Victor Meldrew: 4291.
- [Is shocked to see that he has picked up a dachshund puppy]
- Victor Meldrew: Where the bloody hell did you come from?
- Victor Meldrew: [places the puppy on the ground] Bugger off!
- [first lines]
- Margaret's mother: Hello? Margaret, this is your mum speaking. I'm 'prised I'm not here now, but that's because I'm somewhere else. I say, I'm somewhere else! But I bet you'll both be up here soon, won't you? The pair of you. So, I'll see you then. Hello?
- [beep sounds]
- Margaret Meldrew: Hello, mum. It's Wednesday at six o'clock. I'm just ringing to say that all being well we'll be up there Sunday afternoon about three, but I'll speak to you soon. Bye-bye.
- Margaret Meldrew: Both been out somewhere?
- Patrick: Uh, yes, just around the hospital, yes. To have a hermit crab surgically removed from my testicles.