- Rodney Trotter: How much are you charging for this tour, then?
- Derek 'Del Boy' Trotter: Seventeen quid each.
- Rodney Trotter: Seventeen pounds for a walkabout in Croydon?
- Derek 'Del Boy' Trotter: Well, that includes lunch, doesn't it! Traditional British fare. Doner kebab, something like that.
- Rodney Trotter: A doner kebab? For seventeen nicker I'd want Donna Summers
- [sic]
- Derek 'Del Boy' Trotter: You would, wouldn't you! You tight wad!
- Derek 'Del Boy' Trotter: "The truth is only relative to what you can earn from a lie". Einstein.
- Grandad: I'll tell you one truth you wont earn a brass farthing out of - no-one is gonna turn up!
- Derek 'Del Boy' Trotter: They will turn up! They'e got to! This time next year we'll be millionaires.
- Grandad: You said that this time last year.
- Derek 'Del Boy' Trotter: Oi Janice, you mind his bruises, won't ya?
- Janice: What bruises?
- Derek 'Del Boy' Trotter: Bruises, he's covered in 'em. It's where the girls keep on pushing him away with ten foot barge poles.
- Rodney Trotter: You're gonna sell 'em models of a Roman statue, now housed in the Louvre gallery in Paris, for souvenirs of old London? It's the Venus De Milo, Del!
- Derek 'Del Boy' Trotter: No, that is Boudicea, that is, innit? Eh?
- Rodney Trotter: Boudicea rode around in a chariot with big swords sticking out the wheels.
- Derek 'Del Boy' Trotter: All right, so she fell off her chariot!
- Derek 'Del Boy' Trotter: We clearly stated on our leaflets that 9 o'clock was departure time. Here we are, 11.30; no sign of them.
- Grandad: I've told you before. No one will turn up.
- Derek 'Del Boy' Trotter: Yes they will! As soon as the word spreads about a bit, they'll be here in droves. No, the only thing that worries me is; is a 59 seater bus gonna be big enough? Perhaps we should have had two, maybe three?
- Grandad: A tandem would be too big.
- Derek 'Del Boy' Trotter: I'll take them over to North London, show them where Jack The Ripper was buried.
- Rodney Trotter: Nobody knows where Jack The Ripper was buried.
- Derek 'Del Boy' Trotter: They can't prove me wrong then, can they? Eh?