Quotes
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Mark Corrigan : [voiceover] Please don't touch my floppy cock.
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Mugger #1 : Will you lend us your phone, mate?
Mark Corrigan : What?
Mugger #1 : Lend us your fucking phone!
Mark Corrigan : Why?
Mugger #2 : Well, I need to make a call.
Mark Corrigan : Don't you have your own phone?
Mugger #2 : Come on, lend us your phone.
Mark Corrigan : Right, it's just, "neither a lender nor a borrower be".
Mugger #1 : Do you think we're some pair of shithouses?
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Jeremy Usborne : You've got to toughen up. This is the 21st century. You've seen Mad Max, haven't you? That's what's going to happen!
Mark Corrigan : Mad Max is not necessarily going to happen.
Jeremy Usborne : Oh, sure, mate. You live in your Hitchhikers' Guide world where you wander around in your dressing gown and have a nice cup of tea.
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Mark Corrigan : You know me, I'm old-fashioned, I like courting. Look, why don't we go to the pictures?
Sophie Chapman : [sarcastically] Sure, shall I bring a chaperone?
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Mark Corrigan : [explaining to Sophie why he's carrying a knife] It's just, I'd like to learn kickboxing to protect myself, I just don't have the time. So, basically, what this is, is just a rather efficient time-saving device.
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Mark Corrigan : Later, baby!
[voiceover]
Mark Corrigan : Ugh, baby. Note to self, re: being the Fonz, Mark you are not the Fonz.
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Mugger #2 : Give us your phone, give us your wallet!
Mugger #1 : Come on! Before we fucking do you!
Mark Corrigan : [voiceover] Do me? Are they going to rape me? Or kill me? If they rape and kill me I hope they kill me first. I sort of win.
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Mugger #1 : Is that it? You got nothing else?
Mark Corrigan : Yes.
Mugger #2 : What else?
Mark Corrigan : There's my... travel card.
[voiceover]
Mark Corrigan : That's great, help the muggers. What do you want, approval?
Mugger #1 : Alright. Now piss off!
Mark Corrigan : [voiceover] Oh, this really takes the biscuit.
[Mark walks away while the muggers just stand there]
Mugger #1 : Faster.
[Marks starts to run]
Mark Corrigan : [voiceover] I thought it was at least the muggers who had to run off. The victim flees!
Mugger #1 : Faster!
Mark Corrigan : [voiceover] Oh, this really leaves a sour taste!
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Kid at Chicken Corner : [Mark is meeting a couple of young lads who apparently know the guys that stole his Blackberry] Yeah, I might be able to help you.
Mark Corrigan : Oh, well, that would be fantastic, 'cause it actually belongs to my office...
Kid at Chicken Corner : It's going to cost you fifty quid though, mate.
Mark Corrigan : No.
Kid at Chicken Corner : [gets up to leave] Alright, see you later.
Mark Corrigan : Yes.
Kid at Chicken Corner : [sitting back down] Alright, 'kay, great, cool.
Mark Corrigan : [getting out his wallet and handing over cash] I mean, I think, I have to say this is a bit rich but I guess maybe there's certain administrative costs for you to bear and so on, so...
Kid at Chicken Corner : Sixty, it's gone up to sixty now, mate.
Mark Corrigan : Really?
Kid at Chicken Corner : Yep.
Mark Corrigan : 'Cause, obviously, this dynamic could go on indefinitely. I mean, is sixty... Will that really be it?
Kid at Chicken Corner : Definitely.
[Mark gives him another £10]
Kid at Chicken Corner : Alright, cheers. Oh, listen, one more thing, will you ask for it again, but like a lady, in a lady's voice?
Mark Corrigan : I'm sorry?
Kid at Chicken Corner : Ask for your Blackberry like a lady.
Mark Corrigan : No, I really think...
Kid at Chicken Corner : [getting up again] OK, mate. See you later.
Mark Corrigan : [high-pitched voice] Can I have my Blackberry back?
Kid at Chicken Corner : [sitting down again] "Please".
Mark Corrigan : [high-pitched voice] Can I have my Blackberry back, please?
Kid at Chicken Corner : [smirks and looks at his mate] Alright, listen, mate, I'll call you when I got it, yeah?
[he and his mate leave]
Mark Corrigan : But he hasn't got my... Oh, no, of course, he'll have my number from when I call him.
Jeremy Usborne : [high-pitched voice] Yes and I think he'll definitely be calling.