- Newsreader: Good evening. Here is the news on Friday, the 27th of Geldof. Archaeologists near Mount Sinai have discovered what is believed to be a missing page from the Bible. The page is presently being carbon dated in Bonn. If genuine it belongs at the beginning of the Bible and is believed to read "To my darling Candy. All characters portrayed within this book are fictitious and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental." The page has been universally condemned by church leaders.
- Holly: Loneliness weighs heavily on us all. Personally, the only thing that keeps me going is the thought that we are over 60 billion miles away from the nearest Berni Inn.
- Holly: What's happening, dudes?
- Lister: Hi, Hol.
- Holly: Guess what?
- Rimmer: What?
- Holly: Go on. Have a guess.
- Rimmer: What is it vaguely about?
- Holly: No clues. Just have a guess.
- [Lister and Rimmer look puzzled]
- Holly: I knew you wouldn't get it. The Post Pod's arrived.
- Rimmer: What? The mail?
- Holly: It's been tracking us since we left Earth. Now we've turned round, it's caught up.
- Lister: Do you mean it's taken three million years?
- Holly: Yeah. Just about average for second class post.
- Lister: Lister: I remember when my dad died, you know. I was only six. I got loads of presents off everyone like it was Christmas. I remember wishing a couple more people would die so I could complete my Lego set. My grandma tried to explain, you know. She said he'd gone away and he wasn't coming back. So, I wanted to know where, like, you know. She said he was very happy and he'd gone to the same place as my goldfish. So I thought they'd flushed him down the bog. I thought he was just round the U bend, you know. I used to stuff food down, you know, and magazines and that for him to read. They took me to a child psychologist in the end because they found me with my head down the bowl reading him the football results.
- Rimmer: [meeting Napoleon in the game 'Better Than Life'] Excuse me, excuse me, you're probably really busy but could I just say you are my all-time favourite fascist dictator. I've read all your war diaries and your Italian campaign was brilliant!
- [Rimmer's father has died. The Cat attempts to console him]
- The Cat: About your father. If it's any help, he's in the ground now. Sure, it's bad news for him. But on the other hand, it's party time for all those little worms.
- [Rimmer has tried to cook for the crew]
- Lister: Rimmer, real dumplings, proper dumplings when they are properly cooked to perfection, proper dumplings should not bounce!
- Rimmer: True, but after the way I thought they were going to turn out they were quite... superb!
- Lister: So how's the Cat?
- Rimmer: Oh, he's just sleeping off the stomach pump... he'll be all right. The lamb was a bit of a flop, though.
- Lister: The lamb? Everyone thought the lamb was the cheese! And that lemon meringue Pie, man, what was in that?
- Rimmer: thought you liked that! You bought some back.
- Lister: Yeah, I wanted to try some out on my Athlete's Foot!
- [on why he hated his Dad]
- Rimmer: He always wanted to join the Space Corps, be an officer, but they wouldn't take him because he was an inch below regulation height. 1 inch. I had 3 brothers. When we were young he bought a traction machine so that he could stretch us. By the time my brother Frank was 11, he was 6ft 5. Every morning, he'd measure us. If we hadn't grown, back on the rack.
- Holly: What's happening, dudes?
- The Cat: We're having a really nice time. I'm dating Marilyn Monroe and also I have another girlfriend who's a mermaid. She's half woman, half fish.
- [turns round to look]
- The Cat: It's Miranda, my girlfriend!
- [as she comes out of the water we see that the top half of her is a fish, the bottom half is a woman]
- Holly: Somehow I'd imagined she'd be a woman on top and a fish on the bottom.
- The Cat: No, that's the *stupid* way round!
- Marilyn Monroe: Hi Sugar! How's about a little bit of "oobie doobie doo"?
- The Cat: How's about a little bit of "oobie doobie DON'T"!
- Rimmer's Dad: I just wanted to say... You're a total smeghead!
- Rimmer: What? This isn't my fantasy?
- The Cat: [leans into frame, grinning] No, it's MINE!
- [in the game "Better Than Life", Lister and Cat see Rimmer pulling up in an old Morris Minor estate car with Yvonne McGruder and seven young, unruly children]
- Lister: Rimmer, what happened to you?
- Rimmer: Lister! Ah, this a great game, Lister. I couldn't be happier.
- The Cat: Who are all those guys?
- Rimmer: It's McGruder. She got pregnant. So this morning, she made me marry her and this afternoon we had seven kids. Bliss.
- Lister: Where's your E-Type?
- Rimmer: It was too impractical, with all the kids and everything.
- Lister: Rimmer, you fantasise that you have seven kids and a mortgage?
- [Rimmer grabs Lister and puts his face right up to his]
- Rimmer: [weakly] Help.
- Yvonne McGruder: Arn-old! Where are the nappy sacks?
- Rimmer: [his H has returned to his forehead and he has suddenly become unshaven and dirty] My brain's rebelled. It just won't accept nice things happening to me. It just keeps fantasising horribleness.