Red Dwarf (TV Series)

Emohawk: Polymorph II (1993)

Robert Llewellyn: Kryten

Photos 

Quotes 

• Kryten : Sir, a class-A enforcement probe can easily out-run us.

  Lister : Kryten, the Eastbourne Zimmer Frame Relay Team can easily out-run us. It's not about speed, it's about wit, brains and cunning.

  Kryten : Mm. I was praying it wouldn't come to that, sir.

• Kryten : In the absence of a sane plan, I suggest we go with Mr. Lister's.

• Lister : [Deleted scene]  Okay, what about Napoleon? He had short hair, so what happened at Waterloo?

  Rimmer : Before the battle he'd been on the march for a hundred days and sadly neglected my cardinal rule: "an army marches on its haircut". On the eve of the battle the French forces looked like auditionees for a 1960s nude musical.

  Kryten : Sir, that is preposterous, Napoleon's defeat was due to the unexpected, late arrival of the Prussian forces.

  Rimmer : Oh, was it?

  Kryten : Yes it was, sir.

  Rimmer : And where had they been, these Prussian forces?

  Lister : Oh for God's sake!

  Rimmer : There's no evidence I admit, but my guess: They'd stopped off at Ein Cut Uber de Resten, for a brief cut and blow and a brief chat about their holiday snaps.

  Lister : Fascinating theory, man, you should write it down sometime in one of your non-toxic orange crayons. Try and get it published.

  Rimmer : Water off my back, Listy, some of the greatest minds in history have been sneered and scoffed at.

  Lister : So have some of the biggest idiots.

• Rimmer : That's it. I'm invoking Space Corps Directive 68250.

  Kryten : 68250? But sir, surely that's impossible without at least one live chicken and a rabbi.

  Rimmer : Forget it. Forget I was ever born.

  Kryten : But, sir, I'm very happy to perform the ceremony, but I'm absolutely bewildered as to how sacrificing poultry might clear up the screen problem.

• Rimmer : You all think I'm a petty-minded bureaucratic nincompoop who delights in enforcing political regulations because he gets some kind of perverse pleasure out of it. And in many ways, you're absolutely damn right! But that doesn't alter the fact that the only we're gonna down track Red Dwarf and get through this in one piece is with a sense of discipline, a sense of purpose, and wherever possible a sensible haircut.

  Lister : [Feeling bored after Rimmer's speech]  I'm going back to bed.

  Rimmer : Would it harm you to have hair like mine?

  The Cat : I have got hair like yours. Just not on my head.

  Rimmer : Well, I'm no stranger to the land of scoff. Perhaps you'd like to explain to me why it is that every major battle in history has been won by the side with the shortest haircut.

  Kryten : Oh, surely not, sir!

  Rimmer : Think about it! Why did the US cavalry beat the Indian nation? Short back and sides versus girly-hippie locks. The Cavaliers and the Roundheads, 1-0 to the pudding-basins. Vietnam, crew-cuts both sides, no score draw.

  Kryten : Oh, for a really world-class psychiatrist!

• Computer : Property Corps Space removing and, equipment Corps Space damaging, ships Corps Space of series a looting with charged formally are you.

  Kryten : The materialisation must have scrambled its voice unit. It's making as much sense as a Japanese VCR instruction manual.

  Computer : Plead you do how?

  Rimmer : It's in reverse. "How do you plead?"

  The Cat : How do we plead to what?

  Kryten : It's charging us with looting Space Corps derelicts.

  Lister : But we don't loot Space Corps derelicts. We just hack our way in and swipe what we need!

  Rimmer : Lister, if this goes to trial, I demand separate lawyers.

  The Cat : What's the penalty for this? 'Cos if it means wearing outfits with arrows on, I'm committing suicide!

  Kryten : No, sir. It means wearing outfits with wings and halos on, sir. The penalty is execution.

  Rimmer : Why so harsh?

  Kryten : It's Frontier law sir, and we're the deep space equivalent of horse rustlers. Severe sentencing is the only way to restore order. So don't expect it to show us any mercy.

  Rimmer : What do we do?

  Kryten : Let's face it, sir. We're as guilty as the man behind the grassy knoll!

  Lister : Yeah, but if we admit it, it'll blow us out of the stars.

  Rimmer : Recommendations?

  Kryten : Hmm, suggest I take the rap for all of you. You could say I held you hostage and forced you all to do my evil bidding.

  Rimmer : For God's sake, Kryten! We can't let you do that!

  Kryten : Really?

  Rimmer : Dream on, metal trash! Get your hands in the air and step into that searchlight!

• Kryten : Well sir, let's get you changed back.

  Ace Rimmer : Would it be possible to stay like this for another twenty-four hours before I have to returns as that

  [spits] 

  Ace Rimmer : ghastly maggot?

  Kryten : It's the least we can do to thank you, sir, and you Cat, would you like to stay as Duane?

  Duane Dibbley : Suck my thermos! I hate being the Prince of Dorkness, you never know when the next klutzy thing's gonna...

  [he sprays the others with liquid nitrogen by mistake] 

  Duane Dibbley : What happened? What a Dibbley!

• Kryten : With the Kinitawowe, *not* skinning you alive the moment they set eyes on you, is considered one of their warmest greetings.