Red Dwarf (TV Series)

Gunmen of the Apocalypse (1993)

Chris Barrie: Rimmer

Photos 

Quotes 

• Bear Strangler McGee : [looming over Rimmer, who has just vomited into his hat]  A man' beans up in the hat of Bear Strangler McGee is either mighty brave, or mighty stupid. Now which are you, boy?

  Rimmer : Sorry, what were the choices again?

  Lister : [quickly jumps in and hands McGee some money]  You'll have to forgive our friend. He's a couple of gunmen short of a posse. Here.

  Bear Strangler McGee : That pays for the hat. Now what about the insult?

  Rimmer : OK, you're a fat, bearded git with breath that could paralyse a grizzly.

• Rimmer : Sooner or later we're going to have to face the fact that we're not all going to get out of this in one piece, or if we are, it's going to be one big flat piece.

• Death : We're gonna cut you up so small the worms won't even have to chew.

  Rimmer : You can't frighten me, I'm a coward, I'm always scared!

• Rimmer : [entering the saloon with Lister and the Cat]  I've seen Westerns. I know how to speak cowboy. Leave the talking to me.

  [he walks up to the bar] 

  Rimmer : Dry white wine and Perrier, please. And what about you two chaps?

  Lister : Rimmer, what westerns have you seen? Butch Accountant and the Yuppie Kid?

• Rimmer : You took your time. Where've you been?

  Lister : I was in the AR machine.

  Rimmer : Again?

  Lister : What do you mean again?

  Rimmer : Everybody knows you only use the AR machine to have sex.

  Lister : That is not true!

  Rimmer : Yes, true! It's pathetic watching you grind away on your own, day after day after day. You're like a dog that's missing its master's leg! That groinal attachment's supposed to have a lifetime's guarantee. You've worn it out in nearly three weeks.

  Lister : That's an outrageous, scandalous piece of libel. I don't just play the roleplay games. What about the sporting simulations like Zero-G kickboxing, and Wimbledon?

  Rimmer : You only play Wimbledon because you're having it off with that jailbait ball girl.

  Lister : That is another total lie! She's not jailbait, she's 17.

  Rimmer : Lister, she's a computer sprite and surely that's the point, she's just a load of pixels.

  Lister : Yeah, but what pixels!

• Rimmer : It's time we decided who's going to take the one-man escape pod.

  Cat : How?

  Rimmer : Well, if you'll just bear with me, I think I've devised a fair and equitable system of choosing who should survive. It's based on age, rank, seniority, usefulness... to cut a long story short, it's me. I was as stunned as you are, which is why I demanded a recount. But blow me, if it didn't come out as me again! Keys?

  Lister : Rimmer, the escape pod is not an option.

  Rimmer : Why not?

  Lister : It escaped last Thursday. I was having a few beers, I couldn't be bothered moving so I used the release mechanism as a bottle opener.

  [mimes escape pod shooting off into space] 

  Lister : Whoosh!

• Rimmer : Scanners report a battle-class cruiser on intercept.

  Kryten : It's rogue simulants all right.

  Rimmer : Recommend immediate total and unequivocal surrender.

  Kryten : Sir, surrender is the worst thing we can do. They despise humans and all forms of humanoid life. They believe you to be the vermin of the universe, sir.

  Cat : [looking at Lister]  Didn't even know they'd met him!

• Simulant Captain : [on screen]  State your species and purpose.

  Rimmer : One of us will have to speak to them. Who's the least human looking? Listy, the mike's all yours.

• [they wake up in the cockpit] 

  Rimmer : How long have we been out?

  Lister : According to the navicom, three weeks!

  Kryten : That's strange, the drive interface has been upgraded. So have the engines.

  Rimmer : And if this readout's correct, we're armed. Laser cannons.

  Lister : They've totally upgraded the whole ship.

  Cat : They've even got rid of the squeak on the seat tilt control!

• Cat : We don't run, we strike! It's the last thing they'll be expecting.

  Rimmer : No, the last thing they'll be expecting is for us to turn into ice-skating mongooses and dance the Bolero. And your plan makes about as much sense.

• Kryten : Sir, the only solution is for me to contract the virus myself, analyse its structure and attempt to create a software antidote before it wipes out my core program. Do I have your permission to sacrifice myself, sirs?

  Rimmer : Do lemmings like cliffs? Granted!

• Rimmer : [after swiftly fighting off a bunch of men using his in-game special skill]  Marvellous!

• Rimmer : [to the Simulant Captain]  I've no idea who you are, but boarding this vessel is an act of war, ergo we surrender! And as prisoners of war, I invoke the All Nations Agreement article number 39436175880932/B.

  Kryten : 39436175880932/B? All nations attending the conference are only allocated one car parking space? Is that entirely relevant, sir? I mean, here we are in mortal danger and you're worried about the Chinese delegates bringing two cars.

  Rimmer : Can't you let just one go? I was talking about the right of POWs to non-violet constraint.

  Kryten : Well, that's 75880932/C, sir.

  Rimmer : It's embarrassing as much as anything else. Here you are totally humiliating me in front of this xenophobic genocidal maniac.

  [to the Simulant Captain] 

  Rimmer : No offence.

• Lister : Rimmer, the virus has spread to the AR unit! We've lost our special skills!

  Rimmer : Ah, Mr. War, sir. It would appear that due to circumstances completely beyond my control, there's been a bit of a cock-up in the bravado department.

  [War hits him hard on the head with a thick wooden rail] 

  Rimmer : I may indeed have come across as being more brave than in fact I am.

  [War hits him again] 

• Kryten : Wait, something's coming back now...

  [to Lister] 

  Kryten : You, sir... whenever I look at you, I get an image of curry and early morning breath that could cut through bank vaults.

  [to Rimmer] 

  Kryten : And you, sir, there's something familiar about you too, I get a name... Smee. Smeeee-heeeee!

  Rimmer : Smeg head?

  Kryten : That's it.

  Rimmer : He remembers me!

• Rimmer : OK, long range scanners are down, the only early warning we've got is you. Stay alert.

  Cat : OK, bud. I'll keep my nose peeled.

• Kryten : Miss Lola, all my valuables are in this here box. You can have it all for one bottle of mind rotter.

  Lola : [taking a pair of pistols out of the box]  You're trading in your shooting irons?

  Kryten : No use to me. I got the shakes so bad, I'm like a couple of porcupines on their wedding night.

  Lola : Carrots?

  Kryten : I'm throwing in my mule, Dignity.

  Rimmer : Mr. Sad Git or what?

• Cat : [about Kryten]  Isn't there some way we can get in there and help him? Somehow turn ourselves into tiny electronic people and get into his dream? Isn't there some sort of gizmo lying around that some place can do that? And if not...

  [smacks table] 

  Cat : WHY not?

  Rimmer : Look, I think we've all got something to bring to this discussion, but I think from now on the thing you should bring is silence.

  Lister : No, no, no.

  [ponders for a moment] 

  Lister : I think he's got something.

  Cat : Twice in one lifetime? When you're hot, you're hot!