Red Dwarf (TV Series)

Gunmen of the Apocalypse (1993)

Robert Llewellyn: Kryten

Photos 

Quotes 

• Kryten : Well, it's been mighty dandy meeting you boys but if I'm not out of here by sun up, the buzzards'll be fightin' the lizards for ma gizzards!

• Kryten : Sir, I just can't eat any more raw coffee.

  Lister : [pouring a jar of coffee grounds into his bowl]  Two more bowls.

  Kryten : But I, sir, I am sober, honest!

  Lister : OK, who are you and why are you here?

  Kryten : I'm some kind of robot, who's fighting this virus, and none of this exists. It's all in a fever. Except for you guys, who really do exist, only you're not really here, you're really in some spaceship in the future. Hell, if that's got to make sense, I don't wanna *be* sober!

• Kryten : I'm not afraid, Mr. Death, sir. I believe my friends have bought me enough time to complete the antidote program. Now, if you'll forgive the rather confrontational imperative - go for your guns, you scum-sucking molluscs!

• Rimmer : Scanners report a battle-class cruiser on intercept.

  Kryten : It's rogue simulants all right.

  Rimmer : Recommend immediate total and unequivocal surrender.

  Kryten : Sir, surrender is the worst thing we can do. They despise humans and all forms of humanoid life. They believe you to be the vermin of the universe, sir.

  Cat : [looking at Lister]  Didn't even know they'd met him!

• [they wake up in the cockpit] 

  Rimmer : How long have we been out?

  Lister : According to the navicom, three weeks!

  Kryten : That's strange, the drive interface has been upgraded. So have the engines.

  Rimmer : And if this readout's correct, we're armed. Laser cannons.

  Lister : They've totally upgraded the whole ship.

  Cat : They've even got rid of the squeak on the seat tilt control!

• Kryten : Sir, the only solution is for me to contract the virus myself, analyse its structure and attempt to create a software antidote before it wipes out my core program. Do I have your permission to sacrifice myself, sirs?

  Rimmer : Do lemmings like cliffs? Granted!

• Kryten : [Jimmy trips him up as he enters the saloon]  You shouldn't ought to have done that, Jimmy.

  [Jimmy rises, everyone backs away] 

  Jimmy : Why don't you try it, Sheriff. They say you used to be faster than a toilet stop in rattlesnake country.

• Kryten : Gimme two fingers of your best sipping liquor, Miss Lola. And make it the smooth stuff, the stuff where you get your eyesight back after two days, guaranteed.

• Rimmer : [to the Simulant Captain]  I've no idea who you are, but boarding this vessel is an act of war, ergo we surrender! And as prisoners of war, I invoke the All Nations Agreement article number 39436175880932/B.

  Kryten : 39436175880932/B? All nations attending the conference are only allocated one car parking space? Is that entirely relevant, sir? I mean, here we are in mortal danger and you're worried about the Chinese delegates bringing two cars.

  Rimmer : Can't you let just one go? I was talking about the right of POWs to non-violet constraint.

  Kryten : Well, that's 75880932/C, sir.

  Rimmer : It's embarrassing as much as anything else. Here you are totally humiliating me in front of this xenophobic genocidal maniac.

  [to the Simulant Captain] 

  Rimmer : No offence.

• Kryten : Wait, something's coming back now...

  [to Lister] 

  Kryten : You, sir... whenever I look at you, I get an image of curry and early morning breath that could cut through bank vaults.

  [to Rimmer] 

  Kryten : And you, sir, there's something familiar about you too, I get a name... Smee. Smeeee-heeeee!

  Rimmer : Smeg head?

  Kryten : That's it.

  Rimmer : He remembers me!

• Kryten : Miss Lola, all my valuables are in this here box. You can have it all for one bottle of mind rotter.

  Lola : [taking a pair of pistols out of the box]  You're trading in your shooting irons?

  Kryten : No use to me. I got the shakes so bad, I'm like a couple of porcupines on their wedding night.

  Lola : Carrots?

  Kryten : I'm throwing in my mule, Dignity.

  Rimmer : Mr. Sad Git or what?

• Kryten : [logging into the AR machine, a 1980s arcade game style title screen for the game 'Gumshoe' appears, then a menu screen]  Choose your character. Oh, honestly! I just want to talk to him. Oh, anything, er... Sammy the Squib - crack shot with Tommy gun. Engage.

  [he presses a button and flips his visor down] 

  Kryten : Oh, it's so frivolous!