- Ackerman: I have a date with Patricia Carling from supplies on Saturday night, she says my eyes are my loveliest feature, if I go like this, I'M ONLY HALF LOVELY!
- Rimmer: Here's another letter for you.
- Lister: Who's it from?
- Rimmer: Petersen. My god, it's tragic.
- Lister: What? Did he die?
- Rimmer: Die? Do you think he'd write and tell you?
- Lister: Yeah, you're right. I'm not thinking straight. He'd be too busy planning his funeral and everything. So, go on. What's happened?
- Rimmer: Something catastrophic. Hideous. He's found your guitar in Starbug's wreckage and he's sending it here.
- Kryten: [talking to Lister about Kochanski's ex-boyfriend] You know what Tim's like, sir. Impossibly handsome, oozes charm, a great lover, and you're just... you.
- Kryten: [to Lister] You're not getting any younger, sir. And neither are your sperms. I'm getting worried about those guys. Any older, and they might need a Stannah stairlift to get up the Fallopian tubes.
- Rimmer: [Final scene, Rimmer is reading Lister's appeal letter] "Dear, Mr Lister, your appeal has been successful! From this day forth inmates with no history of violence or depression will be allowed...
- [face aghast]
- Rimmer: ... to have strings on their guitars." This appeal was all about guitar strings?
- Lister: You didn't think it was about getting out of here did you?
- Rimmer: You mean to say I've been busting my balls so you can have strings on your lousy stinking guitar?
- Lister: You've been a brick, man. And as a personal thank you, I thought I'd write you a song.
- [Rimmer is devastated]
- Kryten: I presume you heard the news about Ms. Kochanski.
- Lister: What news?
- Kryten: You haven't heard?
- Lister: Heard what?
- Kryten: The news.
- Lister: What news?
- Kryten: You haven't heard the news?
- Lister: Heard what news?
- Kryten: About Ms. Kochanksi.
- Lister: What about Ms. Kochanski?
- Kryten: About Ms. Kochanski and her ex-boyfriend Tim.
- Lister: What about Ms. Kochanski and her ex-boyfriend Tim?
- Kryten: I can't believe you don't know.
- Lister: Know what?
- Kryten: No-one told you?
- Lister: Told me what?
- Kryten: You mean to say that you're standing there blissfully unaware of the news about Ms. Kochanski and her ex-boyfriend Tim?
- Lister: What news about Ms. Kochanski and her ex-boyfriend Tim?
- Kryten: I can't believe it.
- Lister: Believe what?
- Kryten: I'm so traumatized that no-one's had the guts to tell you the horrible, terrible, terrible, hideously appalling news. I don't think I can even speak now.
- Lister: [holds Kryten by the neck] Kryten, there's a 200ft drop down there, now tell me the news.
- Kryten: She's seeing Tim again.
- Lister: What?
- Kryten: You don't know what it's like to be classified as a woman, sir, the humiliation!
- Lister: [Bored] I know, I know.
- Kryten: I mean, why should I, a series-4000 mechanoid have to endure the turgid monotony of showering with the girls? Three times a week? Tell me that!
- Lister: It's not fair I know, it's just...
- [Realizing what Kryten said]
- Lister: You shower with the girls?
- Kryten: So hideously dull, I can't describe it! As they stand there soaping themselves! Their bodies all wet and foamy!
- [Everyone is listening with great interest]
- Kryten: Can you imagine it?
- [Everyone around is listening, silent and open-mouthed]
- Kryten: Oh my goodness, we've been frozen in time again! Curious, it must be a warp in the time-space continuum. How curious it isn't affecting me.
- Rimmer: We're not frozen in time, Krytie. We were just thinking about what you were saying.
- [All the boys cross their legs in unison]