- Lister: It's not only one-way, Rimmer. You're hardly Mr. Nice Guy, Mr. Easy-To-Live-With.
- Rimmer: What are you talking about?
- Lister: I'm talking about playing your self-hypnosis tapes all through the night. "Learn Esperanto While You Sleep." "Learn Quantum Theory While You Sleep."
- Rimmer: Oh come on, we both got the same benefit.
- Lister: Yeah. Neither of us got any sleep.
- Rimmer: Everything you ever did, you did to pull me back and annoy me.
- Lister: Like what?
- Rimmer: Like using my Mother's photograph as an ashtray.
- Lister: I didn't know. I thought it was a souvenir from Titan Zoo.
- Rimmer: Exchanging the symbols on my revision timetable so instead of taking my engineering finals I went swimming.
- Lister: The symbols fell off. I thought I put them back in the right place.
- Rimmer: Swapping my toothpaste for a tube of contraceptive jelly.
- Lister: That was a joke.
- Rimmer: Yes, Lister. The same kind of joke as putting my name down on the waiting list for experimental Pile Surgery.
- The Cat: [talking through a megaphone] Hello, hello. Testing, testing. One, one, one. Me, me, me. Attention, all lady cats. I am feeling very, very sexy. Can you hear me, lady cats? My body is available. Please form a queue. No squabbling. This is your lucky day.
- Rimmer: [on his death video] If you put Napoleon in quarters with Lister, he'd still be in Corsica peeling spuds.
- Holly: We have enough food to last for 30,000 years, but we've only got one After Eight mint left, and everyone's too polite to take it.
- [on the two fighters tracking Red Dwarf]
- Holly: They're from Earth.
- Lister: That's 3 million years away.
- Holly: They're from the Norweb Federation.
- Lister: What's that?
- Holly: The North Western Electricity Board. They want you, Dave.
- Lister: Me? Why? What for?
- Holly: For your crimes against humanity.
- Lister: You what?
- Holly: It seems when you left Earth, 3 million years ago, you left two half-eaten German sausages on a plate in your kitchen. Do you know what happens to sausages left unattended for 3 million years?
- Lister: Yeah, they go mouldy.
- Holly: Your sausages, Dave, now cover seven-eights of the Earth's surface. Also, you left £17.50 in your bank account. Thanks to compound interest, you now own 98% of all the world's wealth. And because you've hoarded it for 3 million years, nobody's got any money except for you and Norweb.
- Lister: Why Norweb?
- Holly: You left a light on in the bathroom. I've got a final demand here for £180 billion.
- Lister: £180 billion? You're kidding?
- Holly: [wearing a silly face mask] April fool.
- Lister: [recited like Eeny meeny miny moe to choose which Rimmer] Ippy dippy my space shippy / on a course so true / past Neptune and Pluto's moon / the one I choose it you.
- Rimmer: Lister, we don't have to take this anymore. We don't have to put up with your snidey remarks, your total slobbiness, your socks that set off the sprinkler system.
- Rimmer: If only they'd mentioned it in basic training! Instead of climbing up and down ropes and crawling on your elbows through tunnels - if only just ONCE they'd said Gazpacho soup is served cold - I could have been an admiral by now!