Red Dwarf (TV Series)

Quarantine (1992)

Craig Charles: Lister

Photos 

Quotes 

• Rimmer : If there's one thing I can't stand... it's crazy people.

  Lister : Well, we've passed the test, Rimmer. You can let us out.

  Rimmer : I can't let you out.

  Lister : Why not?

  Rimmer : Because the king of the potato people won't let me. I begged him. I got down on my knees and wept. He wants to keep you here... keep you here for 10 years.

  The Cat : Could we see him?

  Rimmer : See who?

  The Cat : The king.

  Rimmer : Do you have a magic carpet?

  Lister : Yeah. A little three-seater.

  Rimmer : So let me get this straight. You want to fly on a magic carpet, to see the king of the potato people... and plead with him for your freedom, and you're telling me you're completely sane?

• Lister : Kryten, man, are you OK?

  Kryten : I have a medium-sized fire axe buried in my spinal column. That sort of thing can really put a crimp on your day.

• Kryten : Sir, it's a scientific fact that the human male needs to spend time by himself.

  Lister : It is?

  Kryten : Mmm. The most popular pastimes have always been ones that males can enjoy alone. Angling, golf and, of course, the all-time number one.

• Lister : Why is it we never meet anyone nice?

  The Cat : Why is it we never meet anyone who can shoot straight?

• Lister : I'm just saying there's 79 more days to go.

  Kryten : And if you still want to be alive when there's only 78 more days to go, I suggest you do not blow your nose.

  Lister : Do you mind if I ask why?

  Kryten : Well, let's forego the noise and the revolting burbling sound and go straight to the really gross part when you always, and I mean always, having blown your nose, have to open up the handkerchief and take a look at the contents. I mean, why? What do you expect to see in there? A Turner seascape, perhaps? The face of the Madonna? An undiscovered Shakespearean sonnet?

• Lister : [Exploring a crashed starship Lister cleans a dirty sign revealing "Viral Research Dept."]  Oh brutal!

  Kryten : [Lister cleans off more dust from the sign, revealing "Most Gross Danger!" and "Bio-suits must be worn at all times!" A triangular warning symbol shows a man vomiting while his abdomen explodes. Lister and Cat panic, covering their mouths with handkerchiefs]  There is no need for alarm, sir. If there were any dangerous viral strains in the atmosphere, the Psi-scan would have picked them up by now...

  Kryten : [Looks at the device, waits, hits it on the side and then shakes it]  It's never done that before...

  Kryten : [Turns his back to Lister and Cat and continues shaking and hitting the device]  Stupid cheap damn stupid Martian power packs.

  [Throws a dead battery over his shoulder and inserts a new one] 

  The Cat : [Still panicking]  So what's the news?

  Kryten : Well, if I could just beg your indulgence for a few seconds more, sir, the old 345 takes a little time to warm up.

  [He shakes it some more] 

  Kryten : Still, it out-performs the 346 in eight out of nine bench tests. A small wonder, then, that it secured "Psi-scan of the Year, Best Budget Model" three years running. Ah. Now here are the results. Yep. And we're going to... live.

  Lister : [sighing]  We're a real Mickey Mouse operation aren't we?

  The Cat : Mickey Mouse? We ain't even Betty Boop!

• Rimmer : [has gone mad due to the holovirus]  I think that warrants two hours... of W.O.O.

  Lister : What's W.O.O?

  The Cat : You had to ask.

  Rimmer : With... out... oxygen. No oxygen for two hours. That'll teach you to be bread baskets.

• Rimmer : Is something amiss?

  Lister : Amiss? God, no. What could possibly be amiss?

  Rimmer : You don't think there's anything amiss? I'm sitting here wearing a red and white checked gingham dress... and army boots... and you think that's un-amiss?

• Rimmer : [from outside the quarantine suite]  Gentleman. Your conversation makes interesting listening.

  [the others look at the viewing window but it's dark and they can't see anyone] 

  Lister : Rimmer, is that you?

  Rimmer : Oh, yes.

  Lister : How long have you been listening?

  Rimmer : Two, maybe three hours.

  Lister : Well, no one's got any disease, man.

  The Cat : We're clean.

  Kryten : You have to re-screen us, sir, as per directive 699.

  Lister : No one's got any virus and no one's smegging nuts!

  [a light comes on to reveal Rimmer, wearing a big red and white checked gingham frock and pigtails. He looks like a pantomime dame] 

  Rimmer : Well, that's good.

• Rimmer : This vessel, gentlemen, and khazi-droids - the crimson short one up there - can only sustain one hologram. Or had you forgotten?

  [they look at him in silence] 

  Rimmer : You hadn't forgotten?

  Lister : Look, we'll work out something out, some kind of timeshare thing.

  Rimmer : What do you think I am, a holiday villa in the Algarve?

• Lister : Rimmer was right about you. You have changed. You're gettin' tetchy.

  Kryten : Oh no, now don't call me tetchy. You know what happens when you call me tetchy.

  Lister : Well I'm callin' you it now. It's exactly what I'm callin' ya - tetchy, tetchy, TETCHY!

• [the crew have saved Rimmer from death at the last second] 

  Kryten : I think he's going to be OK, sir.

  Lister : He's gonna be OK?

  [Kryten nods yes. Lister realizes with dread that he's going to have to have Rimmer's company again] 

  Lister : The luck virus must have worn off.

• Kryten : [the Cat, Kryten and Lister have entered Quarantine]  Twelve weeks, I have a deep, dark sense of foreboding about this.

  Lister : Oh, come on, we'll get through it.

  Kryten : This is single quarters! One chair, one bed, one shower!

  Lister : We'll manage!

  Kryten : Sir, it is a scientific fact that the human male needs to spend time by himself.

  Lister : Is it?

  Kryten : Most of the popular pastimes have always been ones males can enjoy alone. Angling, Golf and of course the all-time number one.

  The Cat : It's not just humans. Look what happens when two male tigers are locked up together. One of them ends up on the other guy's toothpick!

  Kryten : Lions, tigers, scorpions, rats, even vultures when they're in captivity.

  Lister : What are you saying to me, vultures need personal space? They need time alone to put their feet up and read What Carcass magazine?

  Kryten : Sir, I think you're downplaying the gravity of the situation.

  Lister : Look, what difference does it make? We hang together most of the time, anyway.

  The Cat : Yeah. But we all knew we could stroll out the door at any time. Not now, though.

• Lister : Anything?

  Kryten : Quite extraordinary. Langstrom postulated that there were two kinds of viruses, positive and negative, the negative we already know about.

  Lister : Yeah, like flu, rabies, that kind of stuff.

  Kryten : But she also believed there were positive viral strains designed to make human beings feel better.

  Cat : Such as?

  Kryten : At a very basic level she predicted a kind of reverse flu, a viral strain which promotes an unaccountable feeling of well-being and happiness.

  Lister : That's happened to me, my life's been turned to complete and utter crud, and I've woken up in the morning feeling good for no apparent reason.

  Kryten : The chances are, sir, that on those occasions you had unwittingly contracted Langstrom's virus. According to her notes 20th century DJs suffered from it all the time.

  Cat : So what's in the tubes?

  Kryten : Langstrom claims to have isolated several strains of positive virus; inspiration, charisma, sexual magnetism.

  Cat : Sexual magnetism's a virus? Then get me to a hospital, I'm a terminal case!