Red Dwarf (TV Series)

The End (1988)

Craig Charles: Lister

Photos 

Quotes 

• Lister : Where is everybody, Hol?

  Holly : They're dead, Dave.

  Lister : Who is?

  Holly : Everybody, Dave.

  Lister : What, Captain Hollister?

  Holly : Everybody's dead, Dave.

  Lister : What, Todhunter?

  Holly : Everybody's dead, Dave.

  Lister : What, Selby?

  Holly : They're all dead. Everybody's dead, Dave.

  Lister : Peterson isn't, is he?

  Holly : Everybody is dead, Dave.

  Lister : Not Chen?

  Holly : Gordon Bennett! Yes, Chen, everybody, everybody's dead, Dave!

  Lister : Rimmer?

  Holly : He's dead, Dave, everybody is dead, everybody is dead, Dave.

  Lister : Wait. Are you trying to tell me everybody's dead?

  Holly : I wish I'd never let him out in the first place.

• Lister : Sir, just suppose I did have a cat, just suppose... what would you do with Frankenstein?

  Captain Hollister : I'd send it down to the medical centre and I'd have it cut up and tests run on it.

  Lister : Would you put it together when you finished?

  Captain Hollister : Lister, the cat would be dead.

  Lister : So, with respect, sir, what's in it for the cat?

• Lister : How long was I in stasis?

  Holly : Well, I couldn't release you until the radiation reached a safe background level.

  Lister : How long?

  Holly : Three million years.

  Lister : Three million years! I've still got that library book!

• Lister : [about to enter the stasis booth]  Is this going to hurt?

  Todhunter : Haven't you ever travelled interstellar?

  Lister : No.

  Todhunter : Oh, you don't feel a thing. The stasis room creates a static field of time. See, just as X-rays can't pass through lead, time cannot penetrate a stasis field. So, although you exist, you no longer exist in time and for you time itself does not exist. You see, although you're still a mass, you are no longer an event in space-time, you are a non-event mass with a quantum probability of zero.

  Lister : Oh, simple as that, eh?

• [first lines] 

  Lister : [singing]  To Ganymede and Titan - yes sir, I've been around...

  Rimmer : Lister, have you ever been hit over the head with a welding mallet?

• Lister : I'm not the lowest rank on this ship. What about the laboratory mice? You tell those mice to do something, they've got to jump to it.

  [in a high-pitched voice] 

  Lister : "Yes, Mr. Lister, sir! Eek! Eek! Eek! Eek! Eek! Eek! Eek! Eek!"

• Lister : You asked to see me, Captain.

  Captain Hollister : Where's the cat?

  Lister : What? What cat?

  Captain Hollister : Lister, not only are you so stupid you bring onboard an unquarantined animal and jeopardise every man and woman on this ship, not only that, but you take a photograph of yourself with the cat and send it to be processed in the ship's lab. Now I'm going to ask you again, do you have a cat?

  Lister : No.

  Captain Hollister : [showing a photo of Lister holding his cat]  Have you got a cat?

• Lister : Not until you pass your engineer's exam. And you won't do that because you'll just go in there and flunk again.

  Rimmer : Lister, last time I only failed by the *narrowest* of narrow margins.

  Lister : You what? You walked in there, wrote 'I am a fish' four hundred times, did a funny little dance, and fainted.

• Lister : Look out Earth! The slime's coming home!

• Lister : What's it feel like?

  Rimmer : Death? It's like being on holiday with a group of Germans.

• Lister : I'm gonna get a sheep and a cow, and breed horses.

  Rimmer : ...With a sheep and a cow?

  Lister : No, with horses and horses.

• Captain Hollister : Just one thing before the disco. Holly tells me that he has sensed a non-human life form aboard.

  Lister : Sir, it's Rimmer.

• Lister : You're a hologram, so what?

  Rimmer : I suppose you're right, Lister. I've got to pull myself together. But you've got help me, you've got to be my hands and my touch.

  Lister : I know the sort of things you like to touch. No way, Rimmer. Forget it.

• Todhunter : There are 169 people onboard this ship. You, Rimmer, are over one man. Why can't you two get on?

  Lister : You see, I try sir. I'm not an insubordinate man by nature. I try and respect Rimmer and everything but it's not easy because he's such a smeg head!

  Rimmer : Did you hear that, sir? Lister, do you have any conception of the penalty for describing a superior technician as a smeg head?

  Todhunter : [laughs and pats Rimmer's shoulder]  Oh, Rimmer! You are a smeg head.

• Lister : And what about Krissie? What about Krissie Kochanski?

  Holly : She's dead, Dave.

  [Lister walks up to her chair in the drive room and looks at the pile of white powder which is all that remains of her now] 

  Lister : [sorrowfully]  Oh, eh...

  Holly : I don't suppose it's any consolation, but if she were still alive, the age difference would be insurmountable.

  Lister : She was part of me plan. I never got round to telling her but she going to come with me to Fiji. She was going to wear a white dress and ride the horses and... I was going to take care of everything else. It was me plan. I planned it.

  Holly : Well, she won't be much use to you in Fiji now. Not unless it snows and you need something to grit the path with.

  Lister : Holly!

• Rimmer : Lister, is that a cigarette you're smoking?

  Lister : No, it's a chicken.

• Lister : [has found out that the entire crew have been killed by a radiation leak]  This is terrible. And why is it so dirty around here, Hol? What is this stuff?

  [again he dips his finger into one of the piles of white powder lying around and eats a bit of it] 

  Holly : That is Catering Officer Olaf Petersen.

  Lister : [spits it out]  I've been eating half the crew!

• Lister : It's stupid anyway, all this maintenance business. The only reason they don't give this job to the service robots is they've got a better union than us.

• Rimmer : Lister, do you think it's easy for someone like me to become an officer? Someone who wasn't academy-educated? Someone who didn't have the right nobby background? Someone who didn't have the right parents?

  Lister : You didn't have the right parents? Whose parents did you have?

  Rimmer : My parents, the wrong parents.

• Rimmer : Being a hologram is fine, Lister. I still have the same drives, the same feelings, the same emotions... but I can't touch anything. Never again will I be able to brush a rose against my cheek, cradle a laughing child, or interfere with a woman, sexually.

  Lister : Rimmer, you never used to do any of those things anyway.

  Rimmer : But I would have done one day, murderer!

• Lister : And look, look, you're not dead, are ya? I mean, you're "dead", but you're not dead-dead because you're still here, aren't ya?

  Rimmer : Lister, I'm not really here. I'm not really me. Don't you see? I'm a computer simulation of me.

  [points to his remains - a pile of white powder on the floor] 

  Rimmer : That's me there, that pile of albino mouse droppings.

• Lister : [pouring a bowl of cereal]  Here you go, Cat.

  Cat : Ah, Crispeeees!

  Lister : Holly says you like these.

  Cat : Mmmm!

  [Lister puts the bowl on the floor] 

  Cat : Hey, you monkeys eat off the floor? Ain't you got no style or sophistication?

  Lister : [picks up the bowls and puts it on the table in front of the Cat]  Oh, I'm sorry, Cat. I'm sorry.

  Cat : You people are unbelievable!

  [he lifts the bowl to his mouth and laps up the cereal] 

• Lister : He's coming home with us. Aren't you, Cat?

  Rimmer : Home? And where exactly is home supposed to be?

  Lister : Earth!

  Rimmer : Earth? What makes you think there'll be any Earth, Lister? Even if there is, look what it's done to a household pet in three million years! Can you imagine what humankind has evolved into? To them, you'll be the equivalent of the slime that first crawled out of the oceans!