- [In Hell]
- Satan: [torturing people] HA ha ha ha ha ha ha! That will teach ya for voting for Nader! Ha ha ha!
- [Hell freezes over]
- Satan: Huh? What the hell?
- Nerd: [singing] I got laid! I got laid! I got laid! Logging onto messenger, gonna tell the internet! LAID! LAID! LAID! LAID! LAID! L! A! Y! E! D! LAID! LAID! LAID! LAID! LAID! LAID! LAID! LAID!
- Woman: What can I say? Nerds are hot! Mmmm... Hot.
- Franklin D. Roosevelt: The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself!
- Audience member 1: And spiders!
- Franklin D. Roosevelt: ...Well yes. And spiders. That goes without saying...
- Audience member 2: And snakes!
- Franklin D. Roosevelt: Yes... snakes too.
- Audience member 3: And don't forget werewolves!
- Franklin D. Roosevelt: There is no such thing!
- [Everyone starts to argue]
- Franklin D. Roosevelt: Okay! So the only things we have to fear are spiders, snakes, WEREWOLVES, sharks, dying alone, zombies, clowns, heights, big dogs, robots with human brains, Johnson's wife, AND fear itself!
- Doug Goldstein: [in purgatory] Huh? Where am I?
- Buddha: You're in purgatory, Doug. Spin the wheel of reincarnation!
- Doug Goldstein: [spots Keira Knightley's underwear on the wheel] Oh boy! I hope I land on Keira Knightley's underwear!
- Buddha: [sigh] Everyone wishes for that one.
- Freddy Krueger: If Ghostface got voted out, take it from Freddy, that would be a dream come true! HAHAHAHA! You get it? HAHAHAHA! A Dream? HAHAHAHA! I kill people in their nightmares, man. That's what I do, it's my thing!
- Pinhead: America did the right thing giving the call to Ghostface... Of course, I would have called my mom...
- [starts to cry]
- Pinhead: Today's her birthday!... I love you, Mom!
- [shows Drew Barrymore at home making Popcorn. The phone starts to ring]
- Drew Barrymore: [picks up the phone] Hello?
- Ghostface Killer: I see you making popcorn...
- Drew Barrymore: Who is this?
- Ghostface Killer: I saw the Charlie's Angels sequel, THAT WAS A PIECE OF CRAP!
- Drew Barrymore: I'm hanging up!
- Boy Scout 1: I feel sad.
- Boy Scout 2: Yeah, but at least were not gay.
- Huggytime Bear: [Enter Huggytime Bears] Maybe we can help!
- Doug Goldstein: [Awakes from the Huggytime Bear nightmare] NO!
- Keira Knightley: Oh my gosh, I shot you!
- Doug Goldstein: Keira Knightley?
- Keira Knightley: Shh... Don't worry about a thing. The paramedics will be here soon.
- Doug Goldstein: [chuckles] I was almost your underwear, you know.
- Roland Emmerich: [lounging around in speedos] You know movie producer Dean Devlin, I always felt bad about screwing millions of moviegoers out of their hard-earned money with that steaming pile of crap we made called Godzilla.
- Dean Devlin: I know, Roland Emmerich! We should totally remake it!
- Roland Emmerich: A remake of a remake? Brilliant!
- Studio Exec: Damn it, we gave you guys 100 million dollars to remake Godzilla and you gave us a steaming pile of CRAP! AGAIN!
- Dean Devlin, Roland Emmerich: [still wearing speedos, they high-five each other] YES!