- Roseanne: [after Dan comes back from "fixing" Crystal's thermostat] You just replaced that thermostat!
- Dan: Well apparently the house is still either too hot or too cold.
- Roseanne: Well, yeah, because she's eight months pregnant and she keeps on having hot and cold flashes.
- Dan: You know, I suggested that, but she assured me that wasn't the case. Then she kicked me.
- Jackie: You're kidding!
- Dan: Then she started cryin'... and there was no way I could kick her back.
- Dan: [after Crystal asks him to videotape the birth] I don't wanna look, Crystal, and you can't make me!
- Becky Conner: So how was your trip?
- Jackie: 1,200 miles across country, first time I hauled livestock, it stinks like hell but at least I had somebody to talk to.
- Becky Conner: [phone rings] D.J., get that and if it's Dean, tell him I'm not here.
- D.J. Conner: You're closer, you get it.
- Becky Conner: Do it.
- D.J. Conner: Give me a dollar.
- Becky Conner: I'll give you a quarter.
- D.J. Conner: A QUARTER?
- Becky Conner: And I won't pound your face.
- D.J. Conner: [gets the phone] Hello? Dean, yeah, Becky said to tell you she's not here.
- Becky Conner: D.J.!
- D.J. Conner: That's what you get for a quarter!
- [runs off]
- Jackie: [the phone's ringing and nobody wants to get it] I'll get it,
- [to Roseanne]
- Jackie: if it's Bonnie I'll tell her you're not here,
- [to Becky]
- Jackie: if it's Dean I'll tell him you're not here.
- [answers]
- Jackie: Hello? Hang on. David, it's your mother.
- David Healy: Tell her I'm in the shower.