Roseanne (TV Series)

My Name Is Bev (1995)

Roseanne Barr: Roseanne Conner

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Quotes 

• Jackie : [Roseanne and Jackie accompany their mother to her first A.A. meeting]  Well, I always wondered what an A.A. meeting looked like.

  Roseanne : Yeah, it should be interesting to see how many of these people Mom sends screaming back to the sauce.

• Jackie : My God, I can't believe, all these years, Mom's... a drunk.

  Roseanne : Yeah, you think she woulda been more fun.

• Roseanne : [to Jackie about spending the day with their Mom]  But it's your turn! I have to make fifty pigs in the blanket, to give the twenty pigs in the living room!

• Roseanne : Get out.

  Bev Harris : What?

  Roseanne : Get out of here before *I* have a drink. You're not just a drunk, you're a carrier.

  Bev Harris : I'm an alcoholic, Roseanne, don't you know what that means?

  Roseanne : Yeah, I know what it means, it means you drink like you always drank, only now you say you're an alcoholic because you think that that way you don't have to take any responsibility for anything that you do.

• Roseanne : [Roseanne thinks her mother was arrested for speeding]  I can't believe Mom was speeding, she does everything slow; she walks slow, she eats slow, she *dies* slow.

• Bev Harris : [an officer informs her that for a first D.U.I. offense, she will have to attend Alcoholics Anonymous, aka A.A]  What! I'm not an alcoholic! I only had *one* glass of wine!

  Roseanne : Well, it doesn't count as *one* glass if you refill it *ten times*!

• Bev Harris : [at her first A.A. meeting]  This is soooo degrading! I don't even know why I'm here.

  Roseanne : Well then, let me remind you; glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug.

• Roseanne : Jackie, we've got to get Mom out of there before those other prisoners start passing her around like a pack of smokes.

• Dan Conner : I thought I just heard your mother... like those guys from Nam who thought they still heard the choppers.

  Roseanne : Yeah, or more like the guys from Nam who were still in Nam.

• Bev Harris : [after the A.A. meeting]  I'm an alcoholic.

  Roseanne : Come on, Mom, is this like the time you saw Witness and thought you were Amish?

• Roseanne : Dan doesn't drink too much, given the life he lives I don't think he drinks enough.

• Roseanne : [walking around drunken Dan and Jackie in circles]  Mom said you guys were out in the garage and you were all drinking. I told her they could not possibly be drinking because they know they can't drink when Mom's here, and I also know that can't be because if that were true, me doing this would make you both want to puke.

  Dan Conner : [sickened]  Stop, please!

• Roseanne : My mother has a disease, and it's not one of the good ones like lockjaw. Would you be laughing if she had cancer?

  Dan Conner : What, like toe cancer or whole body cancer?