- Leon Carp: I don't smell the co-mingled scents of sweat and Jean Naté. Can I assume that Roseanne's not in today?
- Nancy Bartlett: No, she's at home.
- Leon Carp: Good. I need someone with impeccable taste, and I can tell by that paw-print jumpsuit of yours, that you're my woman.
- Nancy Bartlett: It has a matching cape.
- Leon Carp: I'll bet it does.
- Dan Conner: [about the dishes] Hey. Sorry those weren't done.
- Roseanne Conner: That's okay, Dan. I know there wasn't time to do the dishes *and* fall asleep in a puddle of drool.
- Dan Conner: D.J. said he'd do them after his homework.
- Roseanne Conner: Now, Dan, I think dishes should come *before* homework. If he doesn't learn how to do dishes now, how will he get a job when he finishes high school?
- Roseanne Conner: [about Leon at the diner] You know, he thinks he's so nifty because he turned Jackie and Nancy against me. You know, well, I broke 'em; anyone can ride 'em.
- Cop #1: [Roseanne's stolen car was recovered by the police] Well, there is some good news. We were patrolling around the vicinity and found a witness who saw the guy. He decribed him as a juvenile, Caucasian, dark hair, dark eyes, resembling "Eddie Munster".
- D.J. Conner: [everyone turns at once and looks at D.J] I gotta get off the phone now.
- D.J. Conner: [shouts to the Cops, after Dan and Roseanne figure out that D.J. is the one who stole the car] Don't leave me alone with them!
- Jackie Harris: [upset that Roseanne spanked D.J., because her Dad used to beat her and Roseanne] That has *everything* to do with it! These patterns repeat!
- Dan Conner: Well then you'd better look out, because my father used to *love* to hit his sister-in-law!
- Leon Carp: [Dan wants to talk about Roseanne] No. No, I don't think so.
- Dan Conner: Why not? What's the matter?
- Leon Carp: Well, you're a rather large man, Dan, and if we discuss your wife, I could either say nice things, or I could be honest, and get my arms torn off.
- Leon Carp: [Leon offers Dan a check to buy Roseanne out and get rid of her] See! I knew it! I knew it, you are gonna hurt me!
- Dan Conner: Worse. For weeks I've been telling her that she's just paranoid about you, but I'm through defending you. From now on, you fight you're battles on your own... against Roseanne.
- [long pause]
- Dan Conner: May God have mercy on your soul.
- [after Roseanne spanks DJ]
- Dan Conner: Look, Roseanne, what you just did in there, it's not that big a deal.
- Jackie Harris: Yes, it is. You're not helping, Dan. Look, I know what you feel like. You have gotta talk about this.
- Dan Conner: Hey, she doesn't need you making something out of nothing.
- Jackie Harris: You didn't grow up in our house.
- Dan Conner: This is different! The kid had it coming. He could've killed himself!
- Jackie Harris: She was out of control. It was just like Dad!
- Roseanne Conner: Why don't you both just SHUT UP and leave me alone!
- Roseanne Conner: I know right now you're feeling hurt and embarrassed...
- D.J. Conner: Wrong.
- Roseanne Conner: Well, that's the way I always felt after I got hit.
- D.J. Conner: Who hit you?
- Roseanne Conner: Your grandfather.
- D.J. Conner: Why?
- Roseanne Conner: I don't know, maybe I breathed.
- D.J. Conner: Did he hit you a lot?
- Roseanne Conner: Yeah, he did.
- [tears up]
- Roseanne Conner: And the worst part of it was he never once said he was sorry, and I hated him for that. And I don't want you feeling that way about me, D.J.
- D.J. Conner: [hugs her] I'm sorry you got hit, Mom.
- Nancy Bartlett: We voted that our bird should be the toucan.
- Roseanne Conner: Would you like to see the bird I voted for?
- [raises hand]