- Kathy Bowman: [in an argument with Roseanne after her kid got a scratch at a construction site] So now you're a better mother because you have more children?
- Roseanne: Yes! I have three, and you only have one. Three to one, get it! I have three! I *win*!
- Roseanne: Oh, you probably still sneak into Todd's room at night and check if he's breathing!
- Kathy Bowman: Yes.
- Roseanne: Amateur!
- Roseanne: [to Dan, going over to the Bowmans'] I am here looking for dust, and if I find any, I am going to sneeze, and not one of them little needlebutt sneezes either, I am going to blow a lung clear across her front lawn.
- Becky Conner: [after getting a ticket] I didn't know it was a handicapped parking space.
- Darlene Conner: What did that little glow in the dark wheelchair not tip you off?
- Roseanne: [going to talk to Kathy about letting Todd camp out with DJ] Alright, tell him another story, I'll be right back.
- Dan Conner: [to DJ] Did I ever tell you about the killer who walked around with his own head in a bowling ball bag?
- Roseanne: How come I got 3 kids and a husband and I end up doing all the grunt work?
- Dan Conner: The beauty part is you actually grunt while you're doing it.
- Roseanne: Dan, if I go over there, you know, that's gonna be like admitting I was wrong, you know, and I wasn't wrong.
- Dan Conner: Do it for the kids.
- Roseanne: Oh cut the telethon crap, Dan.
- Dan Conner: [in the tent with DJ telling him a story] The police knew the killer was crazy. At night he'd look for young unsuspecting campers, and as he crept upon them, he would whistle
- [whistles]
- Dan Conner: and then he'd HACK them to pieces with a machete.
- D.J. Conner: Can I have a machete?
- Dan Conner: No.
- D.J. Conner: Well? Did they ever catch him?
- Dan Conner: Yeah once, they handcuffed him, but he hacked off his own hand to survive, and now he has a hook which he uses to kill his victims, and drag their lifeless bodies along the bloody ground.
- D.J. Conner: What happened to the machete?
- Dan Conner: You can't have one! Anyway, the police have been looking for him for days, he was last seen right here in Lanford.
- [a whistle is heard, gasps]
- Dan Conner: What was that?
- D.J. Conner: What?
- Dan Conner: [a shadow of a person with a hook is on the wall of the tent] The whistling killer! Don't make a sound, we'll be safe!
- Roseanne: [thrusts in a plastic pirate hook] Arrrrrrrrgh!
- D.J. Conner: Mom, I thought you were bringing us something to eat.
- Roseanne: [withdraws the hook and thrusts it back in with donuts on it] Arrrrrrrrgh. Well, did we scare ya, Deej?
- Dan Conner: Yeah, he was scared you were gonna hurt the hook guy.