- Dan Rowan: Hey, you never did tell the folks where you went to college.
- Dick Martin: Vasser.
- Dan Rowan: V-Vasser? No, Vasser's a girls' school.
- Dick Martin: Well, you go to college to learn, don't you?
- Gladys Ormphby: Oh Dean, you can slide down my pole any old Thursday night, at ten, nine central time. Please?
- Jo Anne Worley: There's another slide down your pole joke!
- Goldie Hawn: I thought we couldn't do any more pole jokes?
- Announcer: This programme was prerecorded so the NBC censors could take out all the naughty parts... and keep them for themselves.
- Jo Anne Worley: Boris says vacations are just a capitalistic trick, because in order to get one, you gotta take a job!
- The Parson: I know the Bible says, "the meek shall inherit the Earth". Unfortunately, the strong keep contesting the will.
- Rabbi Shankar: As the harem girl once said, awaiting her call of the Shah, "one out of twelve is not bad".
- Chelsea Brown: My boyfriend had a lucky break. His National Guard unit was recalled to Detroit the same time his new car was.
- Gladys Ormphby: My boss let me off early last week. They were having a Christmas party and he told me to go home.
- Tonto: Me just find out that "Tonto" in Spanish means "Stupid".
- The Lone Ranger: Now don't worry about it, Tonto. it's just a name. It doesn't mean anything, stupid.
- Dick Martin: What do you get if you cross a movie actress with a washing machine?
- Dan Rowan: A washing machine with four ex-husbands.
- Chelsea Brown: Leisure time's a problem in my neighborhood, too, but there we call it "unemployment".
- Goldie Hawn: No wonder they call Paris the cultural center of the world. Even the garbagemen speak French.