- Van Johnson: Hey, you'd better stop drinking. I'm not in this show, I'm on a war movie on channel 14.
- Dave Madden: Now as a public service, here is a list of all the swingers in beautiful, downtown Burbank: Helen.
- Chelsea Brown: That new TV programme "Julia" is a television first. It's the only black and white show that's done in real color.
- Flip Wilson: I'll make a deal with ya, we'll stop marrying your sisters if you stop stealing our music.
- Dan Rowan: Let's see, that leaves us with "White Christmas" and "Mairzy Doats".
- Alan Sues: I'd have much more confidence in my psychiatrist if he didn't insist on having his mommy in the office with us.
- Flip Wilson: You know, it's all in how you look at it. What you call "a riot", we call "group therapy".
- Dave Madden: Perhaps the reason more women don't run for the Senate is because every six years their seat is up for grabs.