- Pamela Rodgers: I went to Mexico for the Olympics this summer.
- Jeremy Lloyd: Pam, you pretty parsnip, the Olympics were last summer!
- Pamela Rodgers: No wonder I got such a good seat.
- Dick Martin: [shouting from the sidelines] You sure have, pussycat!
- Dan Rowan: And now, as we travel further along Memory Lane, it's time for this season's first flying Finkle Finger of Fate award.
- Dick Martin: And, pray tell, who gets the daring, delightful, darling, darting, digitous derringer dis time?
- Dan Rowan: Goldie, did you see the astronauts land on the moon?
- Goldie Hawn: No, my bedroom window faces in the other direction.
- Tyrone Horneigh: Remember the great words of Myra Breckinridge... .
- [falls asleep and snores]
- Johnny Carson: [finishing the joke] If you wait just a minute, honey, I'll change into something.
- Alan Sues: I could have starred in True Grit, but they wanted me to ride bareback. I just don't do nudies. Kim Darby got the part.
- Dan Rowan: You know, a lot of countries are on the gold standard.
- Dick Martin: Oh, yeah? Who's on silver?
- Dan Rowan: The Lone Ranger.
- Alan Sues: Hey, gang, if you know any teenagers in prison, send them some candy and help them break out.
- Gladys Ormphby: [kisses for sale for one dollar] I've been selling kisses all day long and so far, I've made a dollar and five cents.
- Johnny Carson: Who gave you a nickle?
- Gladys Ormphby: Everybody.
- Johnny Carson: Who gave you the joke?
- Gladys Ormphby: Everybody!
- Johnny Carson: What the hey...
- The Parson: Surely there must be a better way to interest young people in the Bible then referring to Samson and Delilah as the original cast of Hair?
- Dick Martin: Oh, you got to be careful, remember, there's five sides to every story at the Pentagon.
- Dick Martin: And now, with this week's scoop from Beautiful Downtown Burbank, here is the lovely and talented Mrs. Harry Karl, affectionately referred to by her husband as the lovely and talented Mrs. Harry Karl. Now then, here is the lovely and talented Mrs. Harry Karl.
- Debbie Reynolds: Well, this has been the lovely and talented Mrs. Harry Karl, bringing you the news from Beautiful Downtown Burbank. Girls?
- General Bullwright: All right, America, shape up or ship out. General Bullwright here. Drop your socks and grab your pencils.
- Announcer: Meanwhile, back at the News of the Past, when we last saw Abe Fortas, it was the last we saw of Abe Fortas.