- Ed McMahon: There is absolutely no truth to the rumor that Spiro Agnew is Goldie Hawn's ghost writer.
- Ruth Buzzi: When the hippies came to Chicago, Mayor Daley reversed the old adage; if you can't join 'em, beat 'em.
- Teresa Graves: If the '70's are anything like the '60's, we won't be around to worry about the '80's.
- Arte Johnson: Eh, we were gonna talk about the Arab-Israeli war, but what's six days out of ten years?
- Guy Lombardo: I've said it before and I'll say it again: when I go, I'm taking New Years Eve with me.
- Pamela Rodgers: But how will I know when it's midnight?
- Dick Martin: Well, when you see the little hand on the twelve, and the big hand on your knee.
- Mrs. Zogg: [Mrs. Zogg witnessed humans landing on the moon] Did they do anything else?
- Alien Leader: Yes, they picked up a lot of rocks.
- Alien Leader: A lot of rocks?
- Mrs. Zogg: Hm-mm. Yes, just rocks. And then they put 'em in these little bags, and then they took off, but they left behind a ladder, and a few other things, and the bottom half of the spaceship.
- Alien Leader: They left all those things and just took rocks?
- Announcer: And now, another Laugh-In musical extravaganza. We present Miss Jo Anne Worley, her throat, larynx and entire voice.