- Dick Martin: Settle down. How'd you like to come up to my apartment?
- Girl: Are you sure you won't try anything fresh?
- Dick Martin: Nope. Same old thing.
- Pam: On my date last night, I wore a wig, contact lenses, false fingernails, fake eyelashes, and a lot of padding. My boyfriend just loved me to pieces!
- Teresa Graves: Our old friend, Treasury-Secretary Kennedy, said that the recent rise in unemployment is acceptable. That's easy for him to say. He's got a job.
- Dan Rowan: Jeremy, I wanted to ask you, I understand that John Lennon sent back that medal they gave him, the Member of the British Empire, was it? Because England supports the United States in the war in Vietnam, is that right?
- Jeremy: That's right, Dan, and I suppose since England also supported America against Japan, he'll be sending back Yoko Ono.
- Lily Tomlin: The girls and I feel so terrible when we see all those unfortunate people in the poor part of town. So we've tastefully decided to do something about it; from now on, we're not going to drive through the poor part of town.
- Carl Reiner: A while back, Mel Brooks and I did the 2000 year old Man. Now here I am on Laugh-In, doing 2000 year old jokes.
- Goldie Hawn: I keep forgetting to put on my gloves. Teresa said to me, she said I ought to tie a string around my finger. But you know, Teresa's really dumb, because the gloves are much warmer.
- Dan Rowan: Somebody told me you have hundreds of goldfish in your bathtub. Is that right?
- Goldie Hawn: Yeah.
- Dan Rowan: Well, what, what, what do you do when you take a bath?
- Goldie Hawn: I blindfold them.
- Goldie Hawn: Kate Smith has a very large repertoire and some of her dresses make it look even worse.
- Henry Gibson: You know, Mister Backus, I've always looked up to you as an actor.
- Jim Backus: Oh, because you admire my versatility?
- Henry Gibson: No, because I'm shorter than you.
- Henry Gibson: I'm always dreaming about baseball, baseball, baseball.
- Teresa Graves: Uh, don't you ever dream about girls?
- Henry Gibson: And miss my turn at bat?
- Carl Reiner: Toy manufacturers are coming out with a new line of Black dolls. They're calling them, "Some of Ken and Barbie's Best Friends".
- Mister Magoo: Show me a trophy that you give a man for winning a yacht race, and I'll show you a sea cup.
- Dan Rowan: Oh, I just found out why my new car is called a "Fastback". I've only had it a week and the factory already wants it back.