- Don Rickles: [at the cocktail party] If this party was any duller, they'd probably pick somebody to run for governor.
- Don Rickles: I'm opposed to the literacy test. I mean, if you don't have to be smart to run, why should you have to be smart to vote.
- Johnny Brown: Hey, I just saw a movie about a white guy who turns black called Watermelon Man. I guess if he turned yellow, they'd call him Laundry Man.
- Lily Tomlin: I can't sing, dance or act. I'd get out of show business, but it would mean canceling my weekly TV show.
- Dan Rowan: Washington DC: in answer to the question "How can we fight a war that Congress hasn't declared", spokesman in Washington today explained: "We're not fighting a war, we're ending a war. And we're gonna end it, if it takes forever."