- Johnny Brown: You know, I don't mind when people say two out of three Americans are overweight. What does bug me is when two out of three they're referring to are me.
- Carl Reiner: I remember when young people weren't interested in the news. Now, they're starring in it.
- Carl Reiner: My friend's wife just gave birth to a midget, heh, so he's handing out cigar butts. I'm terribly sorry.
- Announcer: Many years from now, historians will look back at Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In and say: "That show was pre-recorded."
- Dan Rowan: In the first place, you don't just put books up on the shelf and look at them by the color, that's no way, books are to be read.
- Dick Martin: I got two reds, yeah.