- Jack Carter: I just got a new alligator golf bag and it's great! Every time I hit a ball in the water, the bag goes in after it.
- Ann Elder: Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Now Jill is living all alone. I guess her husband caught her.
- Jack Carter: The other day at a party, Richard, I saw Mickey Rooney fall in the swimming pool.
- Dick Martin: Oh, did you pull him out?
- Jack Carter: Yeah, but he was too small, I had to throw him back in.
- Larry Hovis: Excuse me, do you have any books on eh, etiquette and good manners?
- Librarian: No we don't, stupid!
- Lily Tomlin: Johnny, you know, I just loved your hit 'A Boy Named Sue'. Who wrote it?
- Johnny Cash: A girl named Ralph.
- Larry Hovis: What do you get if you cross a night club comic with a xerox machine?
- Barbara Sharma: Henny Youngman's act.
- Ann Elder: Johnny, when you sing about railroads, I can feel that train on those tracks. And when you sing about prisons, I can feel those bars.
- [sighs deeply]
- Johnny Cash: Wanna hear a love song?