- Dan Rowan: Why are you reading my lips?
- Dick Martin: Well, I tried reading your ears, but they didn't move enough.
- Dick Martin: News bulletin: Carlo Ponti, Sophia Loren's husband, is rushing to her bedside. Not that she's sick.
- Hugh O'Brian: You know, Liberace and Truman Capote are so much alike, I could just never get those two straight.
- Patti Deutsch: Who leads a marching band and can fix his own instruments?
- Richard Dawson: Who?
- Patti Deutsch: John Phillips Screwdriver.