- Horace Rumpole: [groaning to himself] Ohhh! His honour Judge Gerald Graves! Never a friend to Rumpole. He's looking at me now as though I were a porridge saucepan that hasn't washed up properly. No doubt he lives on a diet of organic bran, iced water, and colonic irrigation. The last person in the world to laugh this case out of court.
- Horace Rumpole: [talking about Hilda's cousin] He's got as many jokes in him as the Dow-Jones Average.
- Elizabeth 'Mizz Liz' Probert: She's gone off with another man?
- Horace Rumpole: That's about the size of it.
- Elizabeth 'Mizz Liz' Probert: [being very sympathetic] But Rumpole, why?
- Horace Rumpole: Because he is rich enough to be able to afford very small portions of food.
- Jean Pierre O'Higgins: What do you say then, Mr. Horace Rumpole? Will you take me on?
- Horace Rumpole: Well, I'll have to think about that.
- Jean Pierre O'Higgins: Be honest. Is it my personality that makes you hesitate? Do you find me objectionable, Mr. Rumpole?
- Horace Rumpole: Mr. O'Higgins, I find your restaurant pretentious and your portions skimpy. Your customers regale themselves in a dim religious atmosphere more fitting to evensong than a good night out. I find you an opinionated and self-satisfied bully. However, unlike you, I am on hire to even the most unattractive customer.
- [Erskine-Brown's dinner guest, Tricia, starts screaming in panic and stands on her chair]
- Horace Rumpole: [to Jean-Pierre O'Higgins, the restaurant owner] I say, old darling, they have a live mouse on that table over there. Is that your specialité de la maison?
- [following the mouse incident, Rumpole and Mr Pinhorn watch Jean Pierre O'Higgins ingratiating himself to people in his restaurant]
- Horace Rumpole: It's extraordinary, Mr Pinhorn, the power that can be wielded by one of the smaller rodents.
- Mr. Pinhorn: You mean, it's wrecked his business?
- Horace Rumpole: No, no, no. It's making Jean Pierre O'Higgins be *polite* to his customers.
- Samuel Ballard Q.C.: Henry, something extremely serious has happened.
- Horace Rumpole: Someone's nicked the nail brush out of the loo.
- Samuel Ballard Q.C.: [astounded] How did you guess?
- Horace Rumpole: Well, that corresponds to your idea of something serious, Bollard.
- [Rumpole has successfully defended Jean Pierre O'Higgins after a live mouse was served in his restaurant. He plans to take Hilda out for dinner to celebrate her return home]
- Horace Rumpole: I know a little place where we can get it on the mouse... house.