- Ross Perot: Now, right, Preident Bush gets $200,000 a year. Forget it! If I'm President, we get 0% growth, you don't pay me nothing. 1% growth? Hell, a chimpanzee could run this country and get 1% growth! I'm sorry. So you don't pay me dime one. Got my own plane, don't need Air Force One. State Dinners? I pay, it's nothing to me, sand off a beach! Now, don't worry about ol' Ross Perot, I got $3 billion back at home.
- John Cabrizio Chevrolet Mazda Hyundai Spokesman: Or how about fifty dollars for this still burning Chevy pick-up? We can't put it out!
- Contestant: My buzzer's not working.
- Uri Shulenson: What! What, what you mean your buzzer? What happened, what happened to your buzzer? What happened, you broke buzzer? Okay, now you pay for it.
- Contestant: Pay for it?
- Uri Shulenson: Yes, yes! You broke you buy, it's the rule!
- Contestant: What am I gonna do with a buzzer from a game show?
- Uri Shulenson: Well why did you push so hard? You push so hard! Why did you push so hard? You don't have to push so hard! You just tap; see, you just tap, see, all you, but you, you push, you break it, you break it!
- Weekend Update Anchor: The streets of L.A. are relatively quiet now as thousands of looters are staying home trying to figure out how to programme their new VCRs.
- David Spade: [about his mother and Mother's Day] Anyway, I'm not gonna see her tomorrow. She wanted me to fly home this weekend but I told her I had to work. And she said: 'Can't you get someone else to stand there and wave goodnight for you?' Now that hurt. But then again, she didn't mean to.
- Weekend Update Anchor: A new medical study has found eating cellery can lower high blood pressure in rats. The same study shows rats only get high blood pressure because they're forced to take part in studies. Further studies reveal that four out of five people think that the fifth one is an idiot.
- Nat X: I think we all know who 'The Man' is, I'm talking about the man that made all the big keys on the piano white and all the little keys black. I'm talking about the man that gets pleasure from watching a bunch of white guys in uniforms take a stick and smack something black around. I'm not talking 'bout Rodney King, I'm talking about hockey!
- Showcase Playhouse Theater Host: We'd like to welcome our new sponsor, tonight: Nice Ass Baby pantyhose. When you hear 'Nice Ass', chances are, it's Nice Ass Baby.