- Weekend Update Anchor: And authorities tracked down and killed drug czar Pablo Escobar thursday, after a phone call he made to a local radio station was traced. I hope those Linda Ronstadt tickets were worth it.
- NRA Spokesman: We're open till midnight, Friday and Saturday. And take advantace of our Saturday Night Special. Now, listen: when you borrow two guns from us, we'll let you have a third gun free.
- Charlton Heston: [speaks into his mini-cassette recorder] You know, there's one thing still bothering me: is man truly meant to be funny? I just don't know.
- Weekend Update Anchor: According to a new report, murder is the leading cause of death at the work place, except for people employed by morgues, where death was found to be the leading cause of work.