- Weekend Update Anchor: Scientists in Africa have discovered the oldest known human ancestor, born 4.4 million years ago. Although unearthed only days ago, he is already engaged to Anna Nicole Smith.
- Steve Martin: Steve Martin's All-Natural Penis Beauty Cream, New Formula. You know it's safe. Why? Because it's tested on animals. And, if you order by mail, don't worry, it's shipped in a plain brown wrapper with the words "Not Penis Cream" stamped all over it in big red letters. So pick up a jar today, and remember, it's the only cream with a picture of my penis on it.
- Dave Marcus: Well, Steve... I've found I have a lovelier, more luxurious, softer penis than I ever had with other beauty creams, probably because it's the first beauty lotion made especially for the johnson. I'll tell you, i-if I could afford it, I would use your cream 24 hours a day.
- Steve Martin: And, is your wife more attracted to you now that you've been using my cream?
- Dave Marcus: Well, Steve, my wife recently left me, But before, before she did, she said: "I hope you and your Steve Martin's Beauty Cream will be very happy.
- Steve Martin: Well, that's a lovely tribute. Thank you, Dave.
- Weekend Update Anchor: And "The Shawshank Redemption" picked up the New York Film Festival's coveted award for the stupidest movie title.