- Weekend Update Anchor: This week, talk show host Kathie Lee Gifford addressed published reports that her husband had an extramarital affair saying, quote, "Frank did and always does what is right." Kathie Lee's statement has been widely interpreted as a public admission that her husband beats her.
- Larry King: Of all the causes of death, burning in a fire is still Numero Uno in the pain department.
- Larry King: Here's my question of the day, folks: Why are reservations good if you make them at a restaurant but bad if you force Indians to live on them?
- Jerry "Steve" Dan: Yeah, you know, I have two loves in my life: uh, Fourth of July and, of course, teamwork.
- Mr. Bradley: Really? And yet, and yet, on your application, you put here, "Teamwork is for suckers. When I'm hired, I will do to teamwork what Napoleon did to Japan."
- Jerry "Steve" Dan: Yeah, he, he conquered Japan,right?
- Weekend Update Anchor: Court-martial proceedings are set to begin Tuesday against Air Force Lieutenant Kelly Flinn, the nation's first female B-52 pilot. Flinn is accused of conducting an adulterous affair with a married man as well as having a brief fling with a second airman and then lying about it. An Air Force prosecutor called her, quote, "a sexual predator," while her commanding officer has called her a, quote, "lying sex addict."Meanwhile, President Clinton called her.
- Larry King: Of all the hosts of "The Tonight Show," one of the two or three greatest has got to be Johnny Carson.
- Lenny the Lion: The zoo can be a rough place. My first year, I got in about fifty fights. They had to put me in supermax like Gotti. They let me out to exercise an hour a day, two showers a week. They won't let you make phone calls. I can't make them anyway because...
- [holds up a paw]
- Lenny the Lion: They open up all your mail. They throw out your letters. I mean, come on, Norm, I had to find out my brother was killed on the Discovery Channel.