- Colin Quinn: You know how you go to your favorite bar, and your local bartender isn't there? You ask, "Where's Jeff?" "Jeff no longer works here, I'm Steve." Then you're thinking, hey, who's this idiot? I like Jeff. But you still want your drink. And even though Steve doesn't mix your drink the same way you're used to, like Jeff, you still like the bar. You don't want to have to go to a different bar. And even Steve might feel kinda bad because Jeff trained him. Jeff showed him how to work the cash register, where the tonic was on the soda gun, who tips, who doesn't. Well, I'm Steve. What can I get you?
- Harry Caray: Hey, if you were a hot dog, and you were starving, would you eat yourself?
- Colin Quinn: What?
- Harry Caray: I know I would. First, I'd smother myself with brown mustard and relish. I'd be so delicious... So would you?
- Colin Quinn: I don't know.
- Harry Caray: Don't jerk me around, Norm, it's a simple question. A baby could answer it. If you were a hot dog, and you were starving, would you eat yourself?
- Colin Quinn: I guess so.
- Harry Caray: Oh, you made a wise choice, my friend.
- Mango: Can you take the color blue out of the sky? Can you grab the mountains and put them in a pocket? Can you sit down at a table with a knife and fork and try to eat a rainbow? No. Such is Mango.
- Mango: If you start out by using Mango, it will only lead to more Mango. Then pretty soon, you'll need more and more and the more and the more-a-Mango. And then there will be no more Mango left. Not even for Mango.
- Bar patron: [referring to the Titanic] So tell me, how did you two get offa that boat?
- Freddy: Well, Milton here came up with a bright idea...
- Milton: That's right. I noticed a lot of them white folks had frozen to death out there in that water, so we tied a bunch o' them together and made ourselves a Dead White Folks Boat.
- Freddy: Yep! We had enough white folks to make a pretty fancy boat, too! Had a shuffleboard, a swimming pool, the H.S.M...
- Freddy, Milton: Hunky Dory!
- [they clink beerglasses and laugh]
- Milton: And we were making good time back to New York until our Dead White Folks Boat hit an iceberg.
- Milton: Ho, ho, ho! But that's another story.