- Ben Willis: I'm sorry I killed all your friends at home in the first movie, and then all your new friends you made in the new movie. I'm sorry for scaring you with those onymous notes, but most of all I'm sorry trying to murder you. Eleven times.
- Caller: [on phone] H- hey, hello, Ladies' Man. I'm gonna meet my girlfriend's parents for the first time this Thanksgiving, and I'm pretty nervous.
- The Ladies Man: Well, yeah, I understand. Uhm, you want to get it on with her mother?
- Antonio Banderas: Wait an hour here, what is this? I did not bro-, eh, notice that you brought your friends.
- [indicates her breasts]
- Antonio Banderas: Who are your friends and, and what is there names?
- Gina Cutter: My friends?
- [covers her breasts with her hands]
- Antonio Banderas: Shh! Don't wake them. Don't close their eyes. They are tucked in and sleeping like two friendly booblily things.
- Gina Cutter: Wait a minute, aren't you married to Melanie Griffith?
- Antonio Banderas: [laughs heartily] Si. I am betrothed to her. She is ah, how do you say? Ah yes. Old, and not here.
- Antonio Banderas: Now is the time on the show when I have the sex with you.
- Gina Cutter: What! No! No!
- Antonio Banderas: No, I am sorry all of a sudden I hear nothing. But I must warn you: I can be very loud. I like to scream/sing quotes from my movie Evita.
- Gina Cutter: Oh my God! I am nineteen, you creep!
- Antonio Banderas: In my country, you are passed the prime.
- The Ladies Man: You sound like a fine, upstandin', disease-free young man. Enjoy the free meal, and if you get the opportunity to do it with her mother, then take it, okay?