- "The Millennium" narrator: 1000 AD. All over the world, sharks greet the new millennium by swimming and eating things. This continues for several centuries. Meanwhile, on land, the Mongols invade China. And the Black Death sweeps Europe. Sharks are not affected by any of this. But, as the Middle Ages begin, suddenly we find that sharks keep doing the same stuff. Then, in 1454, Johannes Gutenberg perfects movable type printing. This leads to a flourishing of shark art and culture. Provided, "art and culture" mean "eating and swimming," and "flourishing" means "stay the same." You know, as it turns out, these water-breathing death tubes may not be the best way to relate a thousand years of history. Anyway, our bad!
- Weekend Update Anchor: A Kentucky man was arrested this week after entering the home of actress Ashley Judd. The intruder was held by police until having his bond posted by a desperate and lonely Wynonna.
- Vern Schillinger: [Schillinger forms a huddle with some of the other inmates as Beecher descends the stairs in the background] Listen up. Beecher's going down. In the shower, I'm gonna cut off his sack and stuff it in his mouth.
- Jerry Seinfeld: [Seinfeld suddenly pokes his head into the crowd] Hey, fellas. I noticed there's no cardio equipment in the gym. Is there another room somewhere?
- Vern Schillinger: Who are you?
- Jerry Seinfeld: Jerry Seinfeld. Pleasure to meet you!
- Vern Schillinger: You a Hebrew?
- Jerry Seinfeld: Yeah. But people don't seem to have a problem with it on a national level!
- Jerry Seinfeld: What is with this place? It's so cliquey. On the other hand, I kinda like the hole. You know, they throw you in naked. It's like a spa. You know, you're not looking too good.
- Inmate: Adebisi pricked me with an AIDS-infected needle.
- Jerry Seinfeld: Well... good luck with all that.
- [walks away]
- Jerry Seinfeld: [Jerry and Beecher are eating lunch in the prison cafeteria when Schillinger walks past the table and Beecher gives him a dirty look] What is with you two?
- Tobias Beecher: Ah, you know. First, I was his bitch... then he burned a swastika into my ass... and then I took a crap on his face... and that started a whole "thing"!
- Jerry Seinfeld: Tell me. I once dated a girl who I think was always wearing the same dress!
- Tobias Beecher: [gives Jerry a strange look] Anyway... he nearly broke every bone in my body. I thought we were gonna make up, and he nailed me to the gym floor!
- Jerry Seinfeld: Did he try to...?
- Tobias Beecher: No. Nothing happened.
- Jerry Seinfeld: You missed out on the make-up sodomy?
- Tobias Beecher: I missed out on the sodomy!
- Jerry Seinfeld: The make-up sodomy's the best part of being nailed to a gym floor!
- Tobias Beecher: Missed out, baby!
- Jerry Seinfeld: You think you can hold out longer than me?
- Ryan O'Reily: I know I can hold out longer than you.
- Vern Schillinger: Care to make it interesting?
- Ryan O'Reily: A carton of smokes?
- Augustus Hill: I want in, too.
- Jerry Seinfeld: You're all on. Whoever goes the longest without committing male rape wins the contest.
- Vern Schillinger: [discussing the reception of the "Seinfeld" finale] You should have had Kramer on the stand!
- Inmate: Kramer's funny.
- Jerry Seinfeld: Maybe I should have married Elaine. You know, the expectations were kinda high.