- Anna Kournikova: I don't think it's fair that you travel in time just to be mean to me.
- Scott Joplin: Look, I didn't travel in time to be mean to you, sweetheart. I travel in time to talk about women's tennis. But I find myself sitting here with two champions, and one overexposed calendar girl with no second serve.
- Jack Handey: [My Big Thick Novel] Chapter 589: "Hold on to my hand," I yelled. "I can't," said Lucinda. "I'm slipping." "Hold on!" I screamed. But it was too late. She let go and fell, landing hard on her buttocks. And that was the last time we ever went square dancing.