- Young Bill Clinton: [to young John Kerry] Hey, G.I. Joe, why don't you do us all a favor and jump on that grenade?
- [indicating young Hillary Rodham]
- Young Bill Clinton: I'm visiting the law school, uh... I figured it was a good way to avoid going to Vietnam. But, now, I've got a new plan: go to Europe, smoke a bunch of weed, and see if I can snag me one of those Benny Hill's girls. I love... that... show.
- Young George W. Bush: Really? Really, I gave it a try, couldn't follow it. I don't like eh, humor you have to think about too much, you know?
- Ian Gerrard: Janet Jackson continues to feel the heat after she took a trip down mammary lane during America's Super Bowl. The bra-haha occured when Janet and Justin were not N sync. And the heart stopping moment instantly turned conservatie America into an arythmia nation. Did Janet plan it or was it a Justin Timber-mistake? Will the scandal continue to titillate or will it be nippled in the bud? Zoe!
- Courtney Love: Hey, I know you! I slept with you!
- Elton John: [laughs heartily] No.
- Donatella Versace: That's Elton John you dummy.
- Courtney Love: Oh. Sorry, I thought it was Rosie O'Donnell.
- Courtney Love: [shouting] You are the bitchiest bitch of the East!
- Donatella Versace: [also shouting] You are the Bitchmaster!
- Courtney Love: If you owned an airlines it would be Jet Bitch!
- Donatella Versace: If you had a cat food it would be called Fancy Bitch!
- [turns to camera]
- Donatella Versace: Or perhaps Tender Bitches.